Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!
Now THIS is what a B horror movie should be! It totally doesn’t take itself seriously and everyone is having a ton of fun! IT’S SO AWESOME!
It starts off with a newscast. It’s been about a year or so since the first movie. The lake in the first movie was chemically bombed and nothing lives there anymore. The town is deserted as well and the voice over muses how ‘it’ could happen again…
Two old farmers (Gary Busey! Why weren’t you in here longer? Although, I suppose there would be just too many crazy eyes in it…) are wading through a pond to get to a dead cow. The cow is filled with piranha eggs and they hatch and eat the farmers. Gary Busey awesomely pulls one off of his face and bites the head off before succumbing to his wounds.
Then many gratuitous boob shots and naked chicks in pools. The Big Wet water park is reopening in a couple days in Arizona. It’s rebranded itself as a some kind of stripper water park, so yeah. Lots of nudity. Maddy is a grad student and co owner of the park with her stepdad, Chet. Her ex, Kyle, is the local sheriff (or deputy, I’m not 100% sure), and her friend who secretly loves her, Barry, and her friends, Ashley and Shelby are all working at the park. Ashley vows that Shelby will lose her virginity that night with a guy, Josh. Shelby and Josh go skinny dipping and a baby piranha goes up her vagina. Somehow, she doesn’t notice, but the pain kills the mood and Josh goes home frustrated. Ashley and her man o’the night get killed that night when their van crashes into the lake and piranha get into the waterlogged vehicle and kill them.
They’re reported missing. Shelby isn’t feeling well and vomits a lot. She claims her stomach hurts, but doesn’t know why. Shelby goes to the pier and Maddy goes to console her about the missing Ashley. Piranha attack them and break apart the pier. Shelby and Maddy get away barely, but a piranha jumps out of the water at them and they club it to death with some rocks. Maddy, Kyle and Barry go to Lake Victoria to talk to the resident piranha expert (Christopher Lloyd!!!!! You are so awesome in this!). They think that their lake and the original lake are connected by underground caverns and the piranha are moving between bodies of water via these caverns. Maddy checks the water park’s outflow pipes to make sure that the piranha can’t get to the park via those pipes. She’s attacked but survives. It’s also discovered Barry can’t swim… Even though he works in a water park.
Shelby decides to get over Ashley’s disappearance by having sex with Josh. She starts to feel unwell and we can see the little baby piranha swimming around her stomach under her skin. It bites Josh, who decides to take the drastic act of cutting his penis head off. OW. OW. OW!!! Shelby runs screaming, and covered in blood, to Maddy and Barry. Josh and Shelby taken to the hospital, but we never find out what happens…
Oh, and Chet and Kyle are in cahoots somehow. Chet pays off Kyle so that he doesn’t have to worry about cops.
The park opens the next day with celebrity guest, David Hasselhoff (playing himself). I’m not totally sure if he’s supposed to be pretending to be a sleazier arrogant version of himself or that’s just how he normally is, but it works as the tired, washed up hasbeen who has sunk to a new low! Also, the sheriff (Ving Rhames!!!) from the first movie is at the park opening. He lost his legs in the first movie and has serious PTSD and is trying to get over his fear of water by going to an innocent, NOT dangerous water park… DUN DUN DUN!!
Maddy discovers that Chet has been saving on his water bills by tapping directly into the water of an underground cavern beneath the park. You know, the exact same kind of underground cavern that the piranha are hanging out in and using to move around. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT???
Well, an awesome ridiculous bloodbath happens next.
I liked the first movie and I love this one. It’s a total bloodbath of ridiculous and hilarious proportions. It’s a pure popcorn and fun movie. The characters are all cookie cutter, but hey, that’s what works! I don’t come to these kinds of movies for plot and character development and that stuff. I want fun, gore and tackiness! Piranha 3DD promises this and delivers. It’s all so ridiculous and it’s not serious at all. The end credits are great, full of bloopers and what I’m thinking are deleted scenes. Ving Rhames is awesome. He’s a total baby around the water until the blood starts flying and then HE KICKS SOME ASS!! He saved money on socks and used it to buy a shot gun leg! He gets over his PTSD by shotgun blasting piranha. And go Barry! He gets over his inability to swim in a pretty unique way. It’s pretty damn smart too. I don’t know how to swim either and I would never have thought of that.
This movie is all fun and worth it. A throwback to the 80s horror movies full of laughs, gore, tackiness and clichés. I’m glad it was nice and short because it might have dragged on if it had been longer or the director might have been tempted to do some kind of serious character development stuff. I’m happy with it just as it is. Don’t ever change.
4 shortbread cookies out of 5.