I can’t go through eternity talking with a fucking dildo on my throat!!
This is like a buddy zombie horror comedy. And you know what, it just didn’t interest me. It felt like a mess even though there were some good bits. I got bored.
Bart’s an American soldier. He gets killed in an ambush in Iraq and his body is shipped home for his funeral. His best buddy, Joey, makes the moves on Bart’s girlfriend, Janet, after the funeral. Janet muses that nothing could possibly get worse and she starts making out in earnest with the rather greasy and skeevy looking Joey. Of course, as she says that, Bart breaks out of his coffin.
I applaud the movie people for their commitment to realism. Bart’s mouth has been sewn shut as it would be on any corpse and he can only make muffled screams. Which he does. A LOT, as anyone who just woke up in a coffin with their mouth sewn shut would do. In a very cringe worthy moment (seriously, I checked my mouth), Bart cuts out the sutures in his mouth.
He then makes his way to Joey’s place. Joey’s not sure if he’s hallucinating or not, but seems to take it in stride. Bart attempts to eat but ruins the rug by vomiting black gunk. Joey takes him to the hospital, but the ER doctor calls the cops. The two guys run. Bart passes out suddenly. Joey calls over a mutual friend, Matilda, who happens to be a nurse and some kind of New Age guru thing. She says Bart’s a vampire and that his head should be cut off and a stake driven through his heart. Joey refuses, Bart’s his best bud after all. Matilda leaves, promising not to tell anybody and warning joey that Bart will need human blood to live. When the sun goes down, Bart wakes up. He tries to eat again, but the same black gunk issue happens. Honestly, the breakfast Joey made would have made me nauseous too. Joey had researched on the Internet what Bart could be, and he’s either a vampire or zombie. Either way, he needs blood to live.
So Bart decides this is his second chance at life and he and Joey go and get drunk and high. A lot. They just kinda drive around and drink and smoke. They rob a blood bank staffed by Scientologists. Every morning, Bart passes out and Joey has to carry him back home. They’re refuelling their booze at a liquor store when a gangbanger tries to rob them. The guy shoots Bart, who doesn’t die. Joey hits the gangbanger over the head and the boys load him into the car, where Bart feeds off of him. He feels really good afterwards. They toss the gangbanger’s body into the river and take off. Another night, when they’re in a liquor store, someone tries to rob it. Bart kills the robber and feeds off of him. The two become known as vigilantes. There’s a montage of them killing gangbangers, thieves and rapists. The rescued victims are always grateful until Bart brushes off their gratitude and sticks his face in puddles of blood to suck. Then they just get grossed out. The two guys amass a lot of guns, cash and drugs taken from the bodies of the criminals they kill. Sometimes they toss the bodies of the criminals whole into the river, sometimes they cut them up first.
Eventually, Matilda tells Janet. She comes over to see Bart and they are both happy to be together again… With Joey keeping quiet about a certain night of wild animal sex. Janet calls Bart a lot, just to hear his voice.
Joey wants to be invincible too and asks Bart to make him a zombie/vampire/revenant/whatever. Bart refuses until Joey is shot multiple times in a rescue gone wrong. Bart then gives Joey the ‘Dark Kiss’ and the two go on a vigilante rampage throughout the city. It made me think a bit of Boondock Saints. But people are noticing, Joey’s not exactly a model of goodness and the boys have been sloppy with what they do with their meals.
Eh. It had some great parts. I don’t know why, it just felt disjointed and I really couldn’t get into it. The guys are great actors, and that Joey is one heck of a greasy weasel rat. I felt that the story just wasn’t cutting it. It felt like there was something missing. Some kind of cohesion. It was very long, but I can’t think of anything to cut out. I think I lost interest when they became vigilantes. That could have been a separate movie in itself and it might have started too late in the movie. I think they lost me when the first part of the movie, a buddy horror comedy, became a vigilante gun action movie that also tossed in some questions about ethics. One or the other, people, please.
2 Black Forest cupcakes out of 5.