Monthly Archives: November 2012

Cockneys VS Zombies


Cockneys VS Zombies

I’m going to ram that fucking clipboard so far up your arse, you’re going to have to shove your pen up your nose to write on it.
I’ve got tits, you tit!
Well… In all fairness, they’re not that big, so you should be alright…

WOW WOW WOW WOW!!!! I can’t get over how utterly AWESOME AND AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND EXQUISITE THIS FILM IS!! It needs, no, DEMANDS, DESERVES a wide release. A beautiful zomedy. This pithy review will not do it justice; you must see it… in the flesh!

2 construction workers at a work site in East London find a tomb sealed by the express order of Charles II. They open it, hoping to find treasure. They find a very decayed, juicy zombie who takes a bite out of them. One of them gets his lip and chin ripped right off. Fucking gore awesome.

Terry and Andy are brothers in East London. They spend their days doing nothing and delivering Meals on Wheels to their grandfather (Holy shit, Alan Ford, I want to be you when I’m old. Or even now. You’re that awesome) in his retirement home. In a flashback, it shows what happened to their parents: in a last heartwarming speech, they extolled the young boys to always look out for each other and that family comes first. Then the parents had to ‘pop out for a minute,’ got out their shotguns and ran out the front door screaming curses at the cops. They were bank robbers and died in a shoot out with the cops. To the brothers, family always comes first.

Sadly, the retirement home is being bought out by a developer and will be turned into condos. Granddad has lived in East London all his life (except when he was 15, lied about his age, and went off bayoneting Nazis in WWII. A wonderful, wonderful and sadly short scene. I would love to see Granddad’s adventures in WWII). The brothers don’t want him to spend the rest his life elsewhere. They conceive the idea to rob a bank and buy the retirement home. I suppose the irony of their parents dying after a bank robbery missed them. Not the best role models for their current situation. They bring along their cousin, Katy, a master locksmith, their buddy Davey and a local nut, Mental Mickey. Mickey was in Iraq and consequently has a steel plate in his head and a very obvious brain surgery scar.  He enjoys head butting cars and general mayhem. Steals every scene he’s in. Total crazy badass. He is also the local discreet arms dealer, and the gang pick up some weapons. The weapons are purely for show, the brothers don’t want anyone getting shot. They’re not criminals, this is a onetime deal.

Granddad spends his boring days away in retirement home concerts. He sits with thinly veiled impatience during the singing. I can see his hands just clenching and unclenching. Like he wants to put someone’s throat in his fists and squeeze or give them a good punching.

The robbery isn’t terribly successful. They do end up getting more money than they wanted (hilarious mix up). The gang ends up grabbing 2 hostages and meet up with a bunch of cops outside. The gang runs back into the bank, and they strategize. When they finally come out with the hostages, it’s mayhem. Not because of them, but because the zombie plague that started at the construction site has finally reached them. Everything is on fire or smashed up and there are bodies lying around. They spot a zombie chowing down on a leg and, I really like this, realize immediately that it’s a ZOMBIE. They know what zombies are!!! None of the ‘ooo is it rabies? Are they vampires? Ghouls? Sick humans?’ Nope, just THEY ARE FUCKING ZOMBIES. They have zero problems killing the zombies. Thankfully, no moral outrage or dilemmas here!

The gang (plus hostages and bags of money) hightail it to their getaway van and go back to their hideout, a defunct warehouse. The army seals off East London in the hope of checking the spread of the zombies.

Meanwhile, Granddad and HIS gang of pensioners are trapped in the kitchen of their retirement house. Granddad knew they were zombies right away too. He killed a zombie, and managed to get a few of his friends into the kitchen and barricade it off before the zombies could get to them. Being feisty and crazy, they decide to rescue one of their friends who had been napping in the garden. They alert him to the zombie threat and he tries to book it back to the kitchen. Thus begins the slowest race in history. I love the fast paced music and the cutting back and forth between the zombies chasing the napper and his race to the back door of the residence. It made your pulse race and you were beginning to really worry until the camera pans back and you see how slow this horde is moving. There are zombies and a retiree using a walker. Not going that fast. Armed with meat tenderizers, a hand mixer and some boxes of cereal, the old gang goes and gets their friend. They’re all stuck together in the kitchen and wonder: now what the fuck?

Back at the warehouse, the crazed Mickey gets bit. He was the most awesome character, and I thought he would totally go the distance, but he’s completely nuts. He also drop kicks a zombie toddler. A zombie bit Mickey and Katy blasts its head off but the jaw is still attached to Mickey’s arm. So gory awesome. I’ve never seen that before. Loved it! Mickey tries to kill a zombie by first twisting its head around, its head now facing backwards. Then, since that didn’t kill it, he RETWISTS the zombie’s head around. Still not dead! So Mickey just goes fuck it, and rips the zombie’s head off. The brothers and Katy decide to go get Granddad. But first, they need to deal with the rapidly deteriorating Mickey and his arsenal.

Fucking love it!! Love it!!! Everyone is just wonderful in this, Alan Ford especially. I know he plays the same characters over and over, but he just does it so well! He’s totally the real star. And that last scene! SPOILER: I was so so worried for him. I thought NOOOO how could a horde take him down!?! But he came through, gun a blazing, showing that he doesn’t need young blood to save him. I love the pure joy you see on the faces of the seniors when they are shooting their automatic weapons. They already know what they’re doing. A zombie bites one of the seniors in the leg, but it’s the wrong leg. The senior then removes his wooden leg and calmly beats the zombie to death with it. Oh, yes, it’s so very sad to have to shoot that young nurse you once fancied, but no time for sadness! Besides, she’s not so fancible now.

On their way to get Granddad, the gangs run into a brawl between two groups who support rivals football teams. Yeah, the fans are all zombies now, but allegiance doesn’t end with death.

Of course, the steel plated head of Mickey the Zombie causes issues. Who didn’t see THAT coming? But it was thoroughly inventive how they finally killed him. I never would have thought of that. I thought they were going to decapitate him with a shovel, but the grenade in the mouth works so much better.

I don’t know why this movie doesn’t have a wide release yet. This just screams cult classic all over it. And really, where else could a zombie apocalypse be so thoroughly checked? After all, as Granddad say, it’s East London, they’ve been through a lot and these zombies are nothing. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HIS EAST LONDON!!!!

Every single chocolate mint truffle that has existed and ever will.