You two made it… I thought I was the only one that survived. What is this place and why is everything in Russian? And what’s with the S&M getup?
What a load of crap. Seriously, LOAD OF SHIT. I thought the first 2 Resident Evils were pretty good, but when she got supertelekineticpsychic powers in the 3rd one, I just thought what the fuck? And they all sort of went downhill from there. Admittedly, Milla Jovovich still kicks serious ass as Alice, but the whole damn thing just make no sense.
We start out with Alice in water. But, it’s all rewinding, so she floats up and yes, it looks kind of cool when she comes out of the water but it goes on way too long. After the first minute I started to wonder if there was something wrong with the movie, rewinds shouldn’t go on this long. It went on for 4 damn minutes. I really was thinking maybe I should rewind the rewind so I could see watch it normally. Anyways, it takes off where the last movie ended, with Umbrella attacking the ship of survivors. Alice gets blasted into the water.
Suddenly it switches to cookie cutter suburbia. Alice is a housewife with a husband (the always sexy sexy Oded Fehr) with a deaf daughter, Becky. The little family is getting ready for the day when zombies bust in and kill the husband. Alice-Wife gets Becky outside and they are picked up by Rain (the also ass kicking Michelle Rodriguez). The car gets into an accident and Alice-Wife and Becky leave the apparently dead Rain in the car and run into a house. There, Alice-Wife hides Becky in a closet and uses herself as bait to draw the zombies off of Becky’s scent. It works until hubby-zombie shows up and kills Alice-Wife with the always cool mouth splity tentacle thing.
Alice wakes up in a round room. She is wearing just a front and back paper towel thing. Eye candy for the guys, I suppose. Milla is still absolutely gorgeous. Anyways, the floor lights up and so do the walls. She’s on top of a enormous Umbrella logo. Okay, guys, you are the ONLY corporation left on Earth. You don’t need to brand everything, we already know you’re the only game in town. Alice’s former ally, Jill Valentine, is now under Umbrella control due to this red glowing spider stuck on her chest. She does some sound torture on Alice, trying to figure out if she’s working for another corporation or group.
Some mysterious person hacks into the Umbrella base computer. Everything gets shut down, Alice gets some new duds and escapes into a lighted corridor. Jill and the other Umbrellaites all seem to be hooked up to the computer because they just kind of sit there, apparently asleep. Computer reboots, the Umbrella team wakes up and the hall does that laser cutting beam like we saw in the first movie. Alice escapes through another door. It looks like she’s outside in Tokyo. She breaks into a police car with a really heavy duty chain and bike lock and takes a gun. We see the classic Resident Evil scene where it shows the outline of the buildings and a computer command executed. In this case, it was something about a ‘Tokyo simulation.’ Suddenly it starts raining and people appear out of nowhere. It’s a recreation of the scene in the 4th movie when the Tokyo outbreak begins, with the young girl and the man with the umbrella. I thought it was a hologram at first, but then the zombies started attacking people and coming after Alice. She kills some and escapes back into the lighted corridor, but they follow her. She kills them all but sees a huge zombiefied crowd coming out of the Tokyo simulation towards her and she go through another door. It’s the command centre for the complex. Everyone has been executed, head shots. Alice grabs a knife and some weapons. She’s ‘attacked’ by some chick in a red ball gown, Ada. Turns out Albert Wesker survived the 4th movie and the Red Queen is in charge of Umbrella now and she wants to destroy humanity. I don’t know why, the virus was doing a good job already, don’t really need to do anything but sit back. Anyways, Wesker wants Alice to escape alive so that she can help him save what’s left of humanity. Ada reveals that the compound is underwater in some Russian sea and also covered with an ice sheet. There is also a strike team heading their way to rendezvous and help them get out, but the Red Queen is trying to kill them all.
The compound was used to test viral weapons and it composed of a series of large, interconnected spaces that simulate major population centres, i.e. Moscow, Tokyo, New York and… Suburban America. Alice and Ada are supposed to meet the strike team in Suburban America. There’s a forgettable fight scene in New York simulation (the girls fight those giant zombies with the hammers) before they make it to Suburban America, but the strike team’s late. They’re stuck in Moscow fighting off a horde of Nazi (I think they’re Nazis anyways) zombies that have a lot of heavy guns. They also encounter a large mutant brain monster zombie (it has an exposed brain). I do like the monster. It’s oozy and roars and I can see its fucking brain!!!!!!!!!!! Also, I don’t think it has eyes.
Something very interesting happens to the girls while in Suburbia. Alice notices someone moving in a house… Looking very much like the house Alice-Wife hid her daughter in. When they go in, Alice sees the dead Alice-Wife on the floor. Ada informs Alice that Umbrella has about 25 standard issue clones and the Alice form is one of them. The clones are imprinted with basic memories to ensure they act and react to situations realistically. I always wondered how Umbrella could have so many goons in a zombiefied world, but this was the one reason to watch the movie: to get that explanation. Anyways, of course Alice-Wife’s daughter Becky is alive in the house and she thinks Alice is her mom. So for some reason Alice gets all maternal and needs to take Becky along.
Yeah and more crap happens. For some reason, the strike team doesn’t tell Alice that they’ve rigged a bomb at the compound entrance so they better get their asses out. Blah blah, Red Queen trying to stop them, brain monster runs amok, etc etc. I got bored.
Nope, didn’t enjoy it. Had some moments, but that didn’t make up much of a cohesive whole. Also, the actors were awful. Ada looked like some kind of doll. Her facial expressions were nil and she spoke in some kind of robotic monotone. Also, who the fuck wears a ball gown to an underwater zombie testing facility??? She also kept doing that Angelina Jolie leg pose. The lead of the strike team was also equally wooden. I swear he was made of cardboard or plywood. Familiar faces show up, indicating they were part of Umbrella’s standard issue clones, but the ‘good’ clones and ‘bad’ clones never meet. I thought that would have been very interesting, sort of maybe start a war between the clones and the Umbrella corp. Like you see your dead body on the ground and realize your life is a lie, you’re an expendable clone so you have this whole existential crisis and rebel against your creator. But, I suppose that would have been too deep.
It ends with a set up for a sequel. I did like seeing the mutant bat people flying around.
Don’t waste your time with this one. Go and watch the first one again instead.
1 slice of brownie ice cream cake out of 5.