Monthly Archives: January 2013

BEHOLD… The face that nightmares are made of!!

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Birthday Girl

 

For vets, anyways.

I’m a crazy cat lady and openly happy about it. I only have one cat right now, but that’s purely because she won’t let me have more. Also, I’m Asian so I adore Hello Kitty.

I adore my cat. Love her to bits. She’s special, and I mean it. She’s mentally developmentally delayed. She is forever stuck in kittenhood brain mode. She has a shorter attention span than a goldfish and a really really short term memory to boot. Seriously, she got lost in a box and cried in there for a good 15 minutes before I rescued her. But she’s the sweetest girl in the world. Yeah, she has some problems with certain people, but I have the same issues with the same kind of people, so it works out.

Anyways, she’s very very sweet and good. But forever a toddler. And, like any toddler, she needs schedules and structure and any disruption causes a major meltdown. Hence, the nightmares for vets.

This week was her annual check up. It’s a short, 5 minute bus ride with the stop right in front of my house and the other stop directly across the street from the vet clinic. She’s been there many times, she has never had any issues before. Except for this visit.

First off, I went to a friend’s house that morning to take care of his cat. I petted another cat for an hour. I cheated!

Then, I made the appointment during her nap time. She sleeps a specific time period every day (not including the random kitty naps during the rest of the day). Do not fuck with her during nap time. So yeah I picked her up, crammed her into the cat carrier while she was supposed to be snoozing.

It snowed and was coldish, but she usually likes that as long as she gets to play in the snow. Which she didn’t because I didn’t want to let her out by a busy street.

Then, on the bus, she wasn’t allowed to get out and play. She loves riding in cars. When we visit my parents in another city, she’s allowed to sit on that console between the driver and passenger seats in the front. She sits there and my dad pets her as he drives. She loves it.

And when got to the clinic, there was a kitten there for adoption in the reception area. I stupidly petted the adorable kitten.

So all those things together caused an apocalyptic tantrum. Which is when the vet came in. He unzipped the top of the carrier and instead of my sweetly confused girl, was this THING with 5 sharp angry ends. There was a furry tornado of teeth and claws in there. She was growling, hissing, screaming and snapping like Cthulhu himself was watching and she wanted to sacrifice the vet to him. She tried to disembowel him. She was on her back and just clawing the air in hopes of blood. She looked like a snake. I swear her eyes turned red.

The vet stepped back and said ‘Okay… 2 options. I can get an assistant in here and with gloves and towels, we can pull her out and do the examination that way. Um, she’d probably get hurt and piss or shit everywhere, and I KNOW I’d get hurt and I don’t want to go to the hospital today. OR… We can sedate her.’

Dope her up, doc.

It took over 30 minutes for the tranquilizer to take. Even then, she was still hissing and growling. Sleepily, but she tried to bite and claw him. But we did the exam and everything was fine and dandy and he would see us next year. I fully expect her file to come up flashing red lights. But I’m glad he was able to do the physical and give her a clean bill of health.

It just cost me 500 fucking dollars, that’s all.

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Storage 24

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Storage 24

Look at you… You’re vicious aren’t you? Nothing but vicious… You know, you’re just like my wife.

Storage 24 is a British horrorish/sci fi movie. I was in a pretty pissed off mood when I watched it the first time, so I had to watch it again. It was better the second time around, but nothing I would have watched again.

A plane has crashed/released its cargo into London. The accident has been wreaking havoc with London’s electricity grids. There’s also lots of black SUV type cars driving around in a seeming panic. The storage building of the movie title, Storage 24, has been having problems with its lockdown security system all day. The gates come down and lock the wealthy female half of an obnoxious rich couple inside with the storage guy. The male half of the couple stares at his fancy car, now busted up by a plane engine (Okay, I’m not sure what it is, the jet engine? The part that can suck people in and kill them anyways. I’m too lazy to look it up. You know what I mean).

A woman is walking her dog and sees a bunch of the black cars go busting after something. Her dog, freaking out, gets away from her and runs into a warehouse yard. The woman runs after her dog and sees some kind of busted up metal box amid flaming wreckage. The box has horrible smelling goo on it, and she and her dog are killed by something off screen.

Meanwhile, Charlie (the great Noel Clarke), is stuck in traffic with his best friend, Mark. Charlie is moaning about his recent breakup. He’s on his way to the storage unit he shared with his ex-girlfriend to get his stuff. Mark tries to get Charlie to maybe notice that things are falling from the sky and everyone’s panicking just a bit, but Charlie’s too preoccupied with wondering where things went wrong.

They get to Storage 24. Charlie, seeing his ex’s car, laments about he bought that car for them to use, it’s ‘their’ car, what went wrong, bitch bitch bitch, whine, pathetic, etc. He freaks out when he sees a man’s jacket in the car and rips off one of the windshield wipers before Mark pulls him off. Luckily for us, the viewers, an electrician has managed to override the gate controls and the annoying female half of the rich couple leaves. If she had been in the movie any longer, her whining would have made me turn off the movie. The two guys and the electrician go into the storage building. Unfortunately, another surge causes the gates to close after them. The electrician and the storage guy go to the basement to find the power box.

Charlie and Mark get to the storage locker, only to find Charlie’s ex, Shelley, her best friend Nikki and Nikki’s boyfriend (I think) Chris already there cleaning it out. The power is shutting off intermittently in the building.

The electrician is figuring out stuff in the basement when he finds some foul goo and the electrical box. The storage guy goes upstairs. He later comes down to talk to the electrician, who is sitting on the stairs with his back to the door. The storage guy grabs him and the electrician turns around. He has a huge gaping wound in the chest, a bunch of deep slashes. They’ve done some very good prosthetics and special effects on his body. It looks great, it looks like a very realistic sucking chest wound. An alien creature lunges out of the dark at the bottom of the stairwell at storage guy, who, not being an idiot, turns and runs. I like the alien too. He has an awesome gross mouth. Its mouth is sideways with these pincer teeth things running down the sides and another mouth inside with needle teeth. Cool. Storage guy runs upstairs and hides.

Charlie and Mark decide to leave, but they can’t because of the gates. Nikki is using a gross bathroom (well, I have seen the worst bathroom in the Western world and sadly it was in a great burger place) when Chris wanders off. He goes into this storage locker and finds the storage guy hiding there (never did learn his name). He’s freaking out about ‘it’ when a reptilian looking hand with really long fingers and talons reaches down from the ceiling and pulls storage guy up, head first. Now Chris is the one freaking out and going catatonic.

In a horrible confrontation, Shelley finally reveals why she dumped Charlie. She felt nothing around him. He didn’t excite her. OUCH. Yeow, can you be more devastating? Wait, yes, she fucking can. Because when she runs off, Mark offers to go after her while Charlie waits in the storage locker. Turns out Mark and Shelley have had a thing going on for a while. That’s the big reason why she’s breaking up with Charlie. Cow.

Anyways, Nikki, back in the locker, and Charlie hear something and go running to find Mark and Shelley, who are caught and it’s pretty obvious what they were doing. Charlie punches the deserving Mark and storms off, with Nikki rushing after him. She didn’t know either. They find the catatonic Chris covered in blood and Charlie finds the storage guy’s body up in the ceiling. Nikki runs out to throw up in the hallway. Mark and Shelley go into the locker and this crazy guy in a robe attacks Nikki with a toothbrush. Shelley knocks him out and they tie him up, thinking he’s a serial killer.

They hear some weird noises and shut the locker door. Something smashes into it. The door opens and there’s nothing there, but Chris can’t take it and runs off. The alien chases him. We see it fully, some kind of insect/reptile thing. Really, I quite like it. It cheerily pulls out Chris’s heart and squishes it.

The surviving gang release robe guy, who it turns out is hiding in the storage building from his wife. They go to his storage unit/hideaway and are chased there by the alien. They manage to get inside. Then, they decide to try to get outside out the building. Charlie remembers the electrician had some kind of device to open the gate, and that he’s probably in the basement. So, an uneasy truce between Charlie and Mark develops and the guys go to other lockers via the air ducts looking for weapons to get them out of there. Those flimsy storage locker doors can’t hold forever.

It really wasn’t too bad the second time around. Mark reveals himself to be a full out dick while he had been the sort sympathetic buddy guy at the start, and Charlie turns into the strong badass while he’d been a whiny little bitch at the start. I really like the alien, and its murderous rampage. It actually rips somebody’s jaw right off their face. I really really like the scenes with the dog toy. It’s one of those ones that barks and does back flips. I had no idea it could be converted into a rocket launcher thing. Woot for whoever came up with the idea to tie fireworks to the dog toy.

A not too bad way to waste an hour and a half. Also, I love you, Noel Clarke. You are the fucking man.

3 lemon tarts out of 5.