Storage 24

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Storage 24

Look at you… You’re vicious aren’t you? Nothing but vicious… You know, you’re just like my wife.

Storage 24 is a British horrorish/sci fi movie. I was in a pretty pissed off mood when I watched it the first time, so I had to watch it again. It was better the second time around, but nothing I would have watched again.

A plane has crashed/released its cargo into London. The accident has been wreaking havoc with London’s electricity grids. There’s also lots of black SUV type cars driving around in a seeming panic. The storage building of the movie title, Storage 24, has been having problems with its lockdown security system all day. The gates come down and lock the wealthy female half of an obnoxious rich couple inside with the storage guy. The male half of the couple stares at his fancy car, now busted up by a plane engine (Okay, I’m not sure what it is, the jet engine? The part that can suck people in and kill them anyways. I’m too lazy to look it up. You know what I mean).

A woman is walking her dog and sees a bunch of the black cars go busting after something. Her dog, freaking out, gets away from her and runs into a warehouse yard. The woman runs after her dog and sees some kind of busted up metal box amid flaming wreckage. The box has horrible smelling goo on it, and she and her dog are killed by something off screen.

Meanwhile, Charlie (the great Noel Clarke), is stuck in traffic with his best friend, Mark. Charlie is moaning about his recent breakup. He’s on his way to the storage unit he shared with his ex-girlfriend to get his stuff. Mark tries to get Charlie to maybe notice that things are falling from the sky and everyone’s panicking just a bit, but Charlie’s too preoccupied with wondering where things went wrong.

They get to Storage 24. Charlie, seeing his ex’s car, laments about he bought that car for them to use, it’s ‘their’ car, what went wrong, bitch bitch bitch, whine, pathetic, etc. He freaks out when he sees a man’s jacket in the car and rips off one of the windshield wipers before Mark pulls him off. Luckily for us, the viewers, an electrician has managed to override the gate controls and the annoying female half of the rich couple leaves. If she had been in the movie any longer, her whining would have made me turn off the movie. The two guys and the electrician go into the storage building. Unfortunately, another surge causes the gates to close after them. The electrician and the storage guy go to the basement to find the power box.

Charlie and Mark get to the storage locker, only to find Charlie’s ex, Shelley, her best friend Nikki and Nikki’s boyfriend (I think) Chris already there cleaning it out. The power is shutting off intermittently in the building.

The electrician is figuring out stuff in the basement when he finds some foul goo and the electrical box. The storage guy goes upstairs. He later comes down to talk to the electrician, who is sitting on the stairs with his back to the door. The storage guy grabs him and the electrician turns around. He has a huge gaping wound in the chest, a bunch of deep slashes. They’ve done some very good prosthetics and special effects on his body. It looks great, it looks like a very realistic sucking chest wound. An alien creature lunges out of the dark at the bottom of the stairwell at storage guy, who, not being an idiot, turns and runs. I like the alien too. He has an awesome gross mouth. Its mouth is sideways with these pincer teeth things running down the sides and another mouth inside with needle teeth. Cool. Storage guy runs upstairs and hides.

Charlie and Mark decide to leave, but they can’t because of the gates. Nikki is using a gross bathroom (well, I have seen the worst bathroom in the Western world and sadly it was in a great burger place) when Chris wanders off. He goes into this storage locker and finds the storage guy hiding there (never did learn his name). He’s freaking out about ‘it’ when a reptilian looking hand with really long fingers and talons reaches down from the ceiling and pulls storage guy up, head first. Now Chris is the one freaking out and going catatonic.

In a horrible confrontation, Shelley finally reveals why she dumped Charlie. She felt nothing around him. He didn’t excite her. OUCH. Yeow, can you be more devastating? Wait, yes, she fucking can. Because when she runs off, Mark offers to go after her while Charlie waits in the storage locker. Turns out Mark and Shelley have had a thing going on for a while. That’s the big reason why she’s breaking up with Charlie. Cow.

Anyways, Nikki, back in the locker, and Charlie hear something and go running to find Mark and Shelley, who are caught and it’s pretty obvious what they were doing. Charlie punches the deserving Mark and storms off, with Nikki rushing after him. She didn’t know either. They find the catatonic Chris covered in blood and Charlie finds the storage guy’s body up in the ceiling. Nikki runs out to throw up in the hallway. Mark and Shelley go into the locker and this crazy guy in a robe attacks Nikki with a toothbrush. Shelley knocks him out and they tie him up, thinking he’s a serial killer.

They hear some weird noises and shut the locker door. Something smashes into it. The door opens and there’s nothing there, but Chris can’t take it and runs off. The alien chases him. We see it fully, some kind of insect/reptile thing. Really, I quite like it. It cheerily pulls out Chris’s heart and squishes it.

The surviving gang release robe guy, who it turns out is hiding in the storage building from his wife. They go to his storage unit/hideaway and are chased there by the alien. They manage to get inside. Then, they decide to try to get outside out the building. Charlie remembers the electrician had some kind of device to open the gate, and that he’s probably in the basement. So, an uneasy truce between Charlie and Mark develops and the guys go to other lockers via the air ducts looking for weapons to get them out of there. Those flimsy storage locker doors can’t hold forever.

It really wasn’t too bad the second time around. Mark reveals himself to be a full out dick while he had been the sort sympathetic buddy guy at the start, and Charlie turns into the strong badass while he’d been a whiny little bitch at the start. I really like the alien, and its murderous rampage. It actually rips somebody’s jaw right off their face. I really really like the scenes with the dog toy. It’s one of those ones that barks and does back flips. I had no idea it could be converted into a rocket launcher thing. Woot for whoever came up with the idea to tie fireworks to the dog toy.

A not too bad way to waste an hour and a half. Also, I love you, Noel Clarke. You are the fucking man.

3 lemon tarts out of 5.

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