Monthly Archives: October 2013

The Colony

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The Colony

You know you’re screwed when even the rabbits won’t fuck.

Interesting premise, lame movie. It pissed me off, everyone was just so stupid! I’m going to ruin the whole damn thing because it made me angry.

It starts off with a couple running down a corridor being chased. Then cuts to lots of snow and ice shots until we get to ‘our’ colony. Young guy Sam is fixing some satellite. Trucker looking guy, Mason (Bill Paxton, you’ve fallen!), and anonymous guy take out old guy into snow. Old guy is sick, something about ‘quarantine’ and he wants to ‘walk.’ Mason says no, no more choices. Sam tries to stop him from shooting the old man. I guess when you get sick, you get the choice of a bullet or you can take a long walk into the snow. Old man tries to bolt, but Mason shoots him. Waste of bullets. Shouldn’t you be trying to conserve them?

As Sam go through the colony building, you see it’s some kind of seed depository, like the global seed vault in Norway. They have bees and veggies and the whole shebang. They’re gold. So, Sam complains to Briggs (Laurence Fishburne, why why are you in this?) about Mason not giving old guy the ‘choice.’

It takes a while, but it’s eventually explained that humans were using giant machines to manipulate the weather. Something went wrong and it just never stopped snowing. What’s left of humanity is hunkered down in random places all over the world.

Radio guy (never caught his name) tells Briggs that Colony 5 sent out a distress signal. Briggs decides they have to investigate. Sam is checking out the animals in the animal room (they’re living large, have rabbits and chickens!), and goes to get them some vitamins or something from the place where they keep seeds and drugs (I think. I’m a little confused on that. They seem to have multiple seed vaults). Sam is flirting with some girl, Kai, there. She’s apparently been searching on her laptop for a hopefully warm place, where there is sun and blue skies and all that crap. This colony has a hookup to a weather satellite, so she’s been searching haphazardly through the world, looking for a heat bloom.

Briggs calls a meeting and asks for volunteers to go to Colony 5. He gets Sam and some teenager. Briggs decides to leave Kai in charge, which pisses Mason off. I think. He just seems vaguely annoyed at why is he in the movie in the first place. Although, he may be wondering why the leader of the colony is taking off on a rescue mission that should be delegated to someone else. A woman at the meeting suddenly start coughing and everyone freaks out and shoves her and her husband into quarantine. Briggs warns Mason to leave them in there until he gets back. Mason has itchy trigger fingers.

The trio (Briggs, Sam and teenager) make their way through snow and stuff to the other colony. They cross a dangerous bridge that’s falling apart, so that’s obviously important.

When they get to the entrance of Colony 5, there’s blood everywhere. Smart teenager thinks that maybe, just MAYBE, they should leave, but Briggs insists that they ‘came to help’ so he makes them all go down the tunnel. Nice.

There’s mysterious screaming and banging. They come to a door that’s closed and locked, but beat up with scratches. Sam picks the lock and they go into a room with a single man. He’s gone kinda nuts, freaking out about ‘them.’ He reveals that Colony 5 received a slightly garbled video transmission from an unknown location. They claimed to have fixed a weather machine and have blue skies, heat, and usable topsoil. However, they have no seeds to plant in the soil. OMG the colony does! Anyways, the transmission broke up before the full coordinates could be given, but Colony 5 triangulated where it could have come from and sent a scouting party. They didn’t find the paradise, but a bunch of ’them’ found the scouts and followed them back to the colony.

Briggs and Sam are ecstatic. They write down what’s left of the coordinates and nutty man shows them the approximate location which is slightly off of the map. But they have the weather satellite hookup at their colony, so as long as they know the possible location, they can find the exact place by looking in that area for a heat bloom.

The nutty man claims he wasn’t knocking or screaming, so that means ‘they’ are still here. The trio tries to take him with them, but he pushes them out and locks the door. For some damn reason, they follow the screams and find what’s left of the people. They’re being eaten by cannibals. Rather than, oh, I don’t know, stealthily peek around a corner or just send one person, they all go lumbering in to the cannibal kitchen and, of course, wake up the cannibals. Teenager gets killed and Sam and Briggs escape. They bring down the entrance tunnel with some dynamite and take off back to their colony.

SPOILERS

So usually I’d end it here, but the idiocy keeps going. Teenager had the only radio, so they can’t call back and say ‘oops, pissed off a bunch of murderous cannibals.’ They’re not covering their tracks, so the cannibals easily follow them… to the bridge!

Briggs blows himself and the bridge up. To be fair, he tried. He lit the dynamite on fire and scurried off with Sam, but the wind blew out the fuse. So he had to go back and sacrifice himself heroically.

Sam makes it back, turns out Mason has taken over from Kai. Mason doesn’t believe the whole paradise or cannibal thing. Sam finds the heat bloom using the satellite and shows Kai. They grab about 3 canisters of seeds and decide to book it. 3 canisters. Just 3. I don’t think he even saw what canisters he was grabbing. Hell, he might have grabbed 3 canisters of dandelions or grass! Or catnip! And just ignore the bees and the other things you’re going to need for successful crops. Genetic and crop diversity for example.

They try to run, Mason stops them, the cannibals arrive, blah blah. From what I saw, a lot of the people lock themselves in the various seed vaults and Mason manages to blow up the cannibals. Sam kills the head cannibal, awesomely I’ll admit, by cutting his head through the jaw with an herb cutter. There might be a couple of loose cannibals, but it looks like most of them died. But instead of stopping to repair the colony and maybe grabbing the people in the vaults, Sam thinks it’s a great idea to just FUCKING WALK OUT OF THERE WITH THE 3 CANISTERS AND 7 PEOPLE. They have no gear, they’re not even dressed for the weather. Everything they need is still intact in the colony, but nooo let’s just take off unprepared instead. So you choose death then?

Why didn’t they just repair the colony? The bees! The bees! The genetic diversity! The animals! A couple of seed canisters is not going to cut it. They could have repaired the colony, sent out a scouting party to the exact location (that they know from satellite images), come back with extra people to move everything to the new place. Instead, they leave their friends in the seed vaults, the animals, insects and plants to freeze to death and the seed vaults to just kind of freeze. Oh, and Sam and Co. probably die about 3 hours after the movie ends from exposure, starvation or dehydration. Or maybe they turn into cannibals, I don’t know.

1 candy corn out of 5.