Category Archives: Harem Worthy

This movie contained an actor whom I find pretty damn smoking! Now, I MAY have watched the movie just to see said hottie, but he might have just been in a movie I wanted to see anyways. I’m building up my own imaginary harem of sexy men.

A Good Day to Die Hard

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A Good Day to Die Hard

Are you always looking for trouble, or does it find you?
After all these years… I still ask myself the same question.

The latest in the Die Hard series (there was no fourth Die Hard. That was a mass hallucination). And I gotta say … I liked it. It got a lot of hate, but honestly, I don’t think A Good Day deserved all the hate piled on it. While admittedly not on the same calibre as the first three, it is still a pretty good and fun action movie on its own.

In Russia, a billionaire, Yuri, is being put on trial for some bogus reason, but really because he apparently has some kind of ‘file’ on the Russian defence minister that could bring the minister down. Shoot back to the US, where the CIA wants that file too, and sends in one of their men to get it.

Around Moscow, we see a young man (Jai Courtney) fiddling with some vans near some buildings. He goes into a nightclub, says ‘Yuri says hello’ and shoots some guy. The young man is arrested. He claims to the police he will testify that this is all Yuri’s idea if they will put him in the courtroom with Yuri.

Meanwhile, good old boy John McClane (the incomparable Bruce Willis. Oh my god, how I love love love this man), is dropped off at the airport by his daughter. Seems John Jr., or Jack, is in trouble in Moscow. McClane is going off to try to bail Jack out or figure out some other way to help. He has a file a cop buddy gave him, showing that Jack is some kind of small time thug in Moscow (vandalism, theft, smallish stuff). We see from a photo in the file that the young man in the nightclub is Jack.

On his way to the courthouse, McClane tries his very awkward Russian on the cab driver, who luckily speaks some English. After serenading him, the driver lets McClane out of the cab because this ring road is always jammed with traffic. McClane walks to the courthouse. There are tons of protestors around the courthouse. Yuri is considered a political prisoner by the people, unjustly held by the villainous defence minister.

McClane watches as Jack is led out of the prison van with Yuri. It’s not a good moment for the (mostly) law abiding cop McClane. Jack is brought into the courtroom with Yuri and they are both put into neighbouring clear cells along the wall. Some kind of holding cells? I don’t really know.

And shiiiiiiiiiit hits the fan.

Some sleazy guys, apparently paid by the defence minister, blow up some cars outside and rush the courtroom, also blowing up more stuff and shooting shit. Jack breaks out of his cell and breaks the very confused Yuri out too. He drags Yuri out of the courthouse and into a waiting van, one of the ones he had been fiddling with before the nightclub shooting. As they start to get away, Jack almost runs over McClane!

McClane is pissed. He sees what looks very much like a jail break and drags Jack out of the van. The confused Yuri jumps out of the van and the sleazy guys with guns come running out of the courthouse, shooting at Yuri. The head sleaze stops his boys, shouting that they need Yuri alive, but that the others can be killed. Jack drags Yuri back into the van and he then pulls a gun on McClane. He dares Jack to shoot him, but Jack finally just pushes him out of the way and jumps back into the van, driving off. The sleazy guys take off after the van, and McClane does too. He’s not done chastising his boy!

Back in the getaway van, it turns out Jack is the CIA man in Moscow. But because of McClane’s interference, Jack’s window of escape has closed and the ring road has been shut down by the police. Time for Plan B. Then there is a truly awesometastic car chase between Jack, the sleazy boys, and McClane. Seriously, it is the shit. I could watch it over and over again. This is how action car chase scenes should be. McClane steals some meathead’s giant SUV (or some kind of car) and drives it off a fucking bridge!!!! He drives onto the TOP of a bunch of traffic stalled cars in the chase after Jack. Gorgeous.

McClane ends up saving Jack and Yuri from the sleazy boys. Jack takes them to the CIA safe house, where the CIA man there demands Yuri hand over the file and they will take him out of Russia. Yuri will hand over the file, but only if his daughter, Irina, is allowed to go too. He calls her and asks her to meet him at a hotel where he and her mother first danced. McClane is amazed that Jack is actually a professional CIA spy. The small time thug stuff was just a cover. Jack’s not a fuck up.

But the sleazy boys have found them and the CIA man is killed, Yuri is shot (in the arm), but he and the McClanes escape. They head for the hotel. On the way there, McClane and Yuri have a moment about fatherhood, something about thinking that working all the time and making money for material things for your family is what they thought was important, but they both realize that being there as a dad was way more important.

McClane, Jack and Yuri make it to the hotel and head to the top floor to meet Irina. The file is hidden in a safe (handily in Yuri’s first mansion, located next to sunny Chernobyl!), but the key to the safe is in the hotel ballroom. They meet Irina and she and Yuri have an emotional reunion. Jack and Yuri are getting the key by the window when McClane attempts to make awkward small talk with Irina. He politely asks her how she got to the hotel so fast and she replies she used the ring road… You know, the one the cabbie said was always snarled with traffic and that the cops had just shut down. McClane knows immediately something is up and the sleazy boys jump out. Irina has been working for the defense minister and the sleazy boys. The McClanes are tied up and Yuri is led away to waiting helicopter.

The McClanes have to get away from the sleazy boys, save Yuri and get that file. Which is in Chernobyl.

I really don’t get the hate. I think the main issue people have is that McClane is apparently no longer the ‘everyman,’ that guy who just happens to walk into a bad situation and deals with it as best as he can. Just a regular Joe. I think he IS a regular Joe still. The series has kind of evolved, if I can use that term. We’ve grown up, and so has McClane. He seems tired and phoning it in, because he IS tired. This is the guy who can’t go to the corner store to get a carton of milk because terrorists have taken it over. Or he tries to go help his son and stumbles into a Russian conspiracy. He’s tired of it all. He just wants to catch a break and be able to nap without the world exploding since he’s not around. Why is this happening to him again??

McClane’s got a lot of experience dealing with baddies now, so he can use that knowledge. But he still retains that everyman quality his son clearly doesn’t have. As Jack emphasizes again and again, he’s a professional. McClane’s just a regular dude reacting to situations, while his son is a trained professional with plans and scenarios mapped out. So Jack always tries to stick to the plan and process, like he’s been trained. When they get to the hotel. Jack is interrogating Yuri, trying to figure out the hotel layout, weak spots, blind spots, cameras, choke points, security… You get the idea. McClane goes up to the laundry guy and bribes him for his pass and to take a break for bit. They go up the freight elevator. A regular guy isn’t going to be strategizing like a professional. He knows that the seemingly least important employees will know all the information and usually have some very vital access. They are regular people, just like him. We can relate to him, not his son. He’s still John McClane, the man we all love, he’s just grown up a bit.

I love the action. Great, great, great! And of course, this is Die Hard, nothing is as it seems. And I admit to laughing at the helicopter scene (you’ll know what I mean when you see it), but it was more of hey I remember that! This was a homage!

It wasn’t as good as the first three. I will say that. Nor is it an instant classic like they are. But it has great action, John McClane, an amusing story and it’s something that you can watch again. Not the greatest, but still, pretty good. I freely admit to liking it.

Also, Jai is kinda hot.

3 raspberry sorbet scoops out of 5.

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Resident Evil Retribution

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Resident Evil Retribution

You two made it… I thought I was the only one that survived. What is this place and why is everything in Russian? And what’s with the S&M getup?

What a load of crap. Seriously, LOAD OF SHIT. I thought the first 2 Resident Evils were pretty good, but when she got supertelekineticpsychic powers in the 3rd one, I just thought what the fuck? And they all sort of went downhill from there. Admittedly, Milla Jovovich still kicks serious ass as Alice, but the whole damn thing just make no sense.

We start out with Alice in water. But, it’s all rewinding, so she floats up and yes, it looks kind of cool when she comes out of the water but it goes on way too long. After the first minute I started to wonder if there was something wrong with the movie, rewinds shouldn’t go on this long. It went on for 4 damn minutes. I really was thinking maybe I should rewind the rewind so I could see watch it normally. Anyways, it takes off where the last movie ended, with Umbrella attacking the ship of survivors. Alice gets blasted into the water.

Suddenly it switches to cookie cutter suburbia. Alice is a housewife with a husband (the always sexy sexy Oded Fehr) with a deaf daughter, Becky. The little family is getting ready for the day when zombies bust in and kill the husband. Alice-Wife gets Becky outside and they are picked up by Rain (the also ass kicking Michelle Rodriguez). The car gets into an accident and Alice-Wife and Becky leave the apparently dead Rain in the car and run into a house. There, Alice-Wife hides Becky in a closet and uses herself as bait to draw the zombies off of Becky’s scent. It works until hubby-zombie shows up and kills Alice-Wife with the always cool mouth splity tentacle thing.

Alice wakes up in a round room. She is wearing just a front and back paper towel thing. Eye candy for the guys, I suppose. Milla is still absolutely gorgeous. Anyways, the floor lights up and so do the walls. She’s on top of a enormous Umbrella logo. Okay, guys, you are the ONLY corporation left on Earth. You don’t need to brand everything, we already know you’re the only game in town. Alice’s former ally, Jill Valentine, is now under Umbrella control due to this red glowing spider stuck on her chest. She does some sound torture on Alice, trying to figure out if she’s working for another corporation or group.

Some mysterious person hacks into the Umbrella base computer. Everything gets shut down, Alice gets some new duds and escapes into a lighted corridor. Jill and the other Umbrellaites all seem to be hooked up to the computer because they just kind of sit there, apparently asleep. Computer reboots, the Umbrella team wakes up and the hall does that laser cutting beam like we saw in the first movie. Alice escapes through another door. It looks like she’s outside in Tokyo. She breaks into a police car with a really heavy duty chain and bike lock and takes a gun. We see the classic Resident Evil scene where it shows the outline of the buildings and a computer command executed. In this case, it was something about a ‘Tokyo simulation.’ Suddenly it starts raining and people appear out of nowhere. It’s a recreation of the scene in the 4th movie when the Tokyo outbreak begins, with the young girl and the man with the umbrella. I thought it was a hologram at first, but then the zombies started attacking people and coming after Alice. She kills some and escapes back into the lighted corridor, but they follow her. She kills them all but sees a huge zombiefied crowd coming out of the Tokyo simulation towards her and she go through another door. It’s the command centre for the complex. Everyone has been executed, head shots. Alice grabs a knife and some weapons. She’s ‘attacked’ by some chick in a red ball gown, Ada. Turns out Albert Wesker survived the 4th movie and the Red Queen is in charge of Umbrella now and she wants to destroy humanity. I don’t know why, the virus was doing a good job already, don’t really need to do anything but sit back. Anyways, Wesker wants Alice to escape alive so that she can help him save what’s left of humanity. Ada reveals that the compound is underwater in some Russian sea and also covered with an ice sheet. There is also a strike team heading their way to rendezvous and help them get out, but the Red Queen is trying to kill them all.

The compound was used to test viral weapons and it composed of a series of large, interconnected spaces that simulate major population centres, i.e. Moscow, Tokyo, New York and… Suburban America. Alice and Ada are supposed to meet the strike team in Suburban America. There’s a forgettable fight scene in New York simulation (the girls fight those giant zombies with the hammers) before they make it to Suburban America, but the strike team’s late. They’re stuck in Moscow fighting off a horde of Nazi (I think they’re Nazis anyways) zombies that have a lot of heavy guns. They also encounter a large mutant brain monster zombie (it has an exposed brain). I do like the monster. It’s oozy and roars and I can see its fucking brain!!!!!!!!!!! Also, I don’t think it has eyes.

Something very interesting happens to the girls while in Suburbia. Alice notices someone moving in a house… Looking very much like the house Alice-Wife hid her daughter in. When they go in, Alice sees the dead Alice-Wife on the floor. Ada informs Alice that Umbrella has about 25 standard issue clones and the Alice form is one of them. The clones are imprinted with basic memories to ensure they act and react to situations realistically. I always wondered how Umbrella could have so many goons in a zombiefied world, but this was the one reason to watch the movie: to get that explanation. Anyways, of course Alice-Wife’s daughter Becky is alive in the house and she thinks Alice is her mom. So for some reason Alice gets all maternal and needs to take Becky along.

Yeah and more crap happens. For some reason, the strike team doesn’t tell Alice that they’ve rigged a bomb at the compound entrance so they better get their asses out. Blah blah, Red Queen trying to stop them, brain monster runs amok, etc etc. I got bored.

Nope, didn’t enjoy it. Had some moments, but that didn’t make up much of a cohesive whole. Also, the actors were awful. Ada looked like some kind of doll. Her facial expressions were nil and she spoke in some kind of robotic monotone. Also, who the fuck wears a ball gown to an underwater zombie testing facility??? She also kept doing that Angelina Jolie leg pose. The lead of the strike team was also equally wooden. I swear he was made of cardboard or plywood. Familiar faces show up, indicating they were part of Umbrella’s standard issue clones, but the ‘good’ clones and ‘bad’ clones never meet. I thought that would have been very interesting, sort of maybe start a war between the clones and the Umbrella corp. Like you see your dead body on the ground and realize your life is a lie, you’re an expendable clone so you have this whole existential crisis and rebel against your creator. But, I suppose that would have been too deep.

It ends with a set up for a sequel. I did like seeing the mutant bat people flying around.

Don’t waste your time with this one. Go and watch the first one again instead.

1 slice of brownie ice cream cake out of 5.

The Awakening

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The Awakening

Boys believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. I’m sure some of them even believe in God.

Great ghost horror movie. The acting is superb and the cinematography!! GIVE THAT MAN A MEDAL!

The movie starts out in a séance. A grieving mother sees her daughter’s ghost in a glass… Suddenly our heroine, Florence (The utterly fantastic Rebecca Hall, who was also equally amazing in The Prestige), appears in the glass too.  We see Florence behind the grieving mother, where she grabs a boy in the background and rips the wig off of him, revealing that the spiritualists are all frauds. She is not a ghost hunter, because she doesn’t believe they exist. She is there to expose frauds who are capitalizing on the many grieving people left in the aftermath of World War I. After the scene at the fraud house, she goes back to her place, where a teacher at a boarding school, Robert Malory (the really quite attractive Dominic West. How have I never noticed him before??), would like to hire her to investigate a ghost at the school. Florence sends him to her study, ostensibly so that she can change her clothes, but she doesn’t want him to see her break down in the privacy of her bedroom. She did lose someone in the war and she understands why so many people are taken in by the false spiritualists, but each time she exposes one, it’s very difficult on her emotionally. She truly wishes that one of them, just one, could be real. She doesn’t believe, but she WANTS to believe.

Robert shows her some class photos over a period of years. In each one, there is a misty impression of a young boy at the end of the row of students. There’s something wrong with his face. Each student is accounted for and Robert dismisses Florence’s scientific attempts to explain the boy’s appearance by pointing out that in one photo, the same boy appears in the row and in the window behind. Florence agrees to investigate the boarding school, which had once been a private home. Apparently, the boys are so terrified that one might have actually died of fright.

Florence arrives at the school and meets the elderly housekeeper, Maud (Imelda Staunton, also fabulous. EVERYBODY IS JUST FABULOUS IN THIS!). Maud seems to be very emotionally overwhelmed by Florence’s arrival, almost unable to speak. She claims that she was just overwhelmed at meeting Florence, her intellectual hero, a real modern woman with real education. The headmaster is highly skeptical of Florence, but allows her to conduct her tests and interviews with the boys.

When taking a tour, Robert points out the groundskeeper, who pretended to be ill in order to avoid going to war. Robert is disgusted at him, as Robert was in the war, lost many friends and has an injury that forces him to limp and some serious PTSD. He has to suddenly leave the tour because he has an anxiety attack coming on. The scene when he rushes back to his room and is trying to deal with the flashbacks is so powerful. He’s shaking and trying not to scream as parts of his body will suddenly go rigid and then spasm.

The boys beg Florence to kill the ghost. In a flush of energy and confidence, Florence places various ghost or mischief detecting devices (bells on strings strung across doorways, flour on floors, cameras connected to tripwires) around. She still believes that it’s all a prank but she wants to put the boys at ease. In the makeshift dormitory that night (the banquet hall) Maud comforts a young boy, Tom.  Florence, waiting in the dormitory for the trouble maker to appear, watches Robert take a bath through a peephole. I must say, I enjoyed the view as much as she did. I don’t know why he was also cutting the scar on his leg, but maybe it was to release tension or built up fluids.  Suddenly, some of her detectors go off. She chases a boy with a pillow case over his head up the stairs. He disappears, but she notices a dollhouse replica of the school in a room. Something about it disturbs her, and we see a distorted boy next to her, disfigured by a huge hole in his face. She turns around, and he isn’t there, but there’s a man down the hall with a rifle. Florence chases him, but he disappears and she runs into Robert.

The boys the next day are all examined to find the culprit. Florence deduces that a young boy is the one she saw last night and he blames 2 bullies for forcing him. She also discovers that another teacher, Malcolm, was the one who left the boy who died recently outside. That boy had died of an asthma attack. The teacher is fired and Robert notices that Florence, once again having proven that there are no ghosts, quietly hang her head in despair.

The next day, the boys are all going home for the holidays. Robert, the groundskeeper, Maud and an orphan boy, Tom (the one Maud had been comforting in the temporary dorm) are the only ones staying at the school. Florence is on the jetty on the lake. She drops her silver cigarette case, embossed with initials that aren’t hers, on the jetty and it slips between the cracks. She tries to grab at it, but ghostly hands thrust out of the water and try to grab her back. She falls in despair and whispers that there’s nothing, there’s nothing and she falls into the lake. She wants to believe so badly, but just can’t. Robert pulls her out. She pretends that she fell in while trying to get her case.

In the kitchen, warming up, she has a talk with the engaging young Tom. She goes upstairs and takes a bath. She then looks through the same peephole, hoping to see Robert watching her bathe, but instead sees the same screaming face from the night before. She runs out in her robe and follows the boy upstairs, where she sees the dollhouse again. Terrifyingly, in each tiny room is depicted herself and the events of the previous day, right up to where she’s in the room looking at the dollhouse, but there’s a figure of a boy standing behind her. She whips around to see herself alone in the room. Imbued with a new sense of purpose, she decides to stay longer and sets up her devices again, letting Tom help. She reveals to Tom that her fiancé died in the war.

That afternoon the ghostly events happen again. While in a room, her devices start going off. Florence suddenly sees a woman’s heeled shoe appear and a broken glass. She hears what she thinks is Tom yelling ‘Mousie!!’ A red pool ball falls creepily down the stairs in front of Florence. In hallway, she is confronted by a vision the man with the rifle who aims at her. Florence backs away, screaming, and also triggers her tripwires to take pictures of the incident. She blames Tom.

Robert helps her develop the pictures. To her horror, the man with the rifle is not in the pictures, but the ghostly image of the boy from the class pictures is clearly in the corner. She is overwhelmed and Robert goes to comfort her, and they have sex. Bells start ringing and Robert goes to see what the issue is, but gets locked in his room. Florence turns over and the outline of a face suddenly thrusts out of the pillow she was next to. She destroys the pillow and finds inside the silver case she lost in the lake.

Distraught, she runs outside. The groundskeeper attacks her and drags her off into the woods to rape her. As he’s trying, the ghostly boy appears and screams at him. The groundskeeper backs away and the appearance of the ghost gave Florence enough time to regain consciousness and bash the guy’s head in with a shovel.

She runs back to the school, finds Robert and Maud and discovers that…

Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. What a wonderful film. The actors are all just so good. Rebecca Hall has the most expressive eyes and mouth. She just emanates grief and despair just by closing her eyes and the way she sets her lips. It’s just all so real. Even with Dominic West and his portrayal of the vet stricken with PTSD and survivor’s guilt. That was an amazingly powerful scene in his bedroom. I am just in love with these two actors and their work in this. It is very creepy when some of her detectors start going off. They look like weather vanes and damnit, it’s freaky as hell when they all start pointing in the same direction.

The cinematography is out of this world. I loved how there were many scenes with lakes and ponds, showing very sharp reflections. It made me think of how there might be another world shimmering under this one, a reflection that we can just see if we look hard enough.

Spoilers: There really is a ghost. It’s Tom. But only Maud and Florence can see him clearly. He’s very lonely and tries to make friends with the living boys, but he can’t control his image very well, so they see the screaming boy with the hole in his face. Not the greatest way to make friends. He and Florence are half siblings. They share the same father, but Tom is the illegitimate child (Maud was the man’s mistress) and Florence the legitimate one of his wife. The two children had been raised together, with Maud as wet nurse and nanny to the young Florence. But the man’s wife (Florence’s mother) was very jealous of Maud and Tom and hated seeing them in the manor. The man eventually had a psychotic break and he killed his wife in front of Florence, who ran through secret passages with her father blasting away at the walls trying to kill her. She hid with Tom, but their father heard them and shot at the wall, accidently shooting Tom in the face (hence the hole) and then killing himself. The young Florence had been so traumatized she’d developed amnesia.

I love this movie. Go see it. The end (there’s MORE!) is quite sad. The acting is amazing. The story is great. It’s more drama than chock full of horror. More like a drama with horror elements, but it works so beautifully. The horror (screaming ghosts, etc) is great, but more in the background and lends support to the plot. For once, I cared about the plot more than scaring myself.

5 chewy chocolate fudge cookies out of 5.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Some men are just too interesting to die.

I really really wanted to like this movie. I adored the book and the premise is just fantastically out there that you have to go in with a great sense of humour and an open mind. I tried, I really did. But I just couldn’t get into it.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter – it’s pretty obvious what the movie is about. Abraham tries to save a slave boy from being whipped by his dad’s boss, Barts. Abraham’s dad stops Barts and gets fired. The boss demands Dad Lincoln to pay his debt in full immediately, but Dad Lincoln refuses and Barts muses that there’s more than one way to collect a debt. You see Mom Lincoln reflected in Barts’s sunglasses. That night, Abraham witnesses his mother being secretly attacked by the boss, who is a vampire. She later dies. Fast forward like 10 or 15 years and the older, adult Abraham is in a bar. He’s getting drunk enough to pluck up the courage to kill Barts, the vampire who killed his mom. Well, he’s not sure exactly what Barts is, because Abraham had been so young when his mom died, he didn’t understand what he saw. He knows that Barts killed his mom somehow, but he’s vague on the details. He’s accosted in the bar by Henry (the always sexy Dominic Cooper), but Abraham shakes him off and goes after Barts. Hiding under a dock, he witnesses Barts talking with a man and woman. They leave on a boat and Barts turns to go as well. But Abraham shoots him. It doesn’t take, because duh, he’s a vampire. Barts taunts Abraham, who flees into a nearby shack on the dock. There he sees a naked dead woman, her throat covered in puncture marks. Abraham reloads his gun and shoots Barts point blank in the right eye. Barts falls to the docks and Abraham takes off, tossing the gun in the river. When he looks back though, Barts is gone. Barts reappears in front of Abraham and morphs his face into this gross thing with black veins and needle teeth and the bullet still in his eye. He attacks Abraham, who is luckily saved by Henry. It is pretty cool when Henry tosses Barts up the building and through the roof. Nice bit of CGI.

Abraham wakes up in Henry’s house. Henry explains that vampires exist, there’s a secret war, blah blah blah, join us, it’s not about vengeance, yadda yadda. Henry puts on some sunglasses to go outside, but Abraham stops him and agrees to be a VAMPIRE HUNTER. Then there’s some pointless scenes where Henry’s training Abraham. Henry also reveals that the man and woman Barts had been meeting were the head vampires, Adam (I also find Rufus Sewell very attractive) and his sister.

Now a vampire hunter, Abraham moves to another city and gets a job as a store clerk. Henry sends him letters that have names of vampires that need to be killed. But Abraham is still fixated on killing Barts. He also falls for a local girl, Mary. She’s already engaged (to Alan Tudyk in an all too short cameo! I also adore him), but breaks that off for Abraham. Abraham eventually kills Barts, who reveals that Henry is a vampire too. Abraham goes to kick Henry’s ass and Henry explains that he had been a vampire hunter in life until Adam killed his fiancée and turned him. Since vampires can’t kill each other, Henry has been recruiting humans to hunt and kill vampires for him. Abraham decides he can’t do this anymore and quits, going into politics. He puts his silver tipped axe away and vows to fight with words. There’s another huge time jump to his presidency and the first rumblings of the Civil War.

What Abraham doesn’t know, and Henry informs him, is that the vampires have been using the slaves as food for years. With Abraham being elected and vowing to free the slaves, then the vampire food source will dry up. The bad vampires can’t let this happen and instigate the Civil War. It’s time for Ol’Abraham to get out his axe and kick ass.

Eh. The movie moved way too fast in many areas and then just way too slow in others. The speed and sudden slow pacing of the movie made it feel very disjointed. I really couldn’t get into it. When something interesting starts happening, it ends too fast. The subject matter demands that you go ridiculously big or just go home. It just took itself too damn seriously. I wanted an undercurrent of ‘we know this is a nutty premise, but we’re having fun doing it!’ I didn’t get that. I got ‘this is a movie about Lincoln, we should be serious. With vampires. Somehow.’ Some slapstick scenes (when Abraham runs in on Henry and a prostitute) felt really out of place. I admit I did love the conversation when Abraham tried to explain to Mary that he was a vampire hunter. She just thought he was kidding and if some guy said the same thing to me in that awkward way, I would too. But it felt out of place. Hell, their whole courtship felt like it was ripped from some sappy Austenesque rom com and stuffed into a vampire movie that didn’t realize it needed to be more ridiculous.

The beginning shot of Washington now, slowly morphing back into the Civil War era Washington, was really well done. Although the scene where he’s chasing Barts through the horse herd was poor looking CGI.

The guy playing Abraham looks a hell of a lot like Liam Neeson. It was somewhat distracting.  His makeup was weird too because it made his face look fake. It looked like he had a lot of prosthetics on his face and was overly made up. He wielded a mean axe though. I did like the scenes of Abraham attacking vampires.

Also, the movie never explains why vampires always wear sunglasses. It’s supposed to be because their eyes are red or something, but it just shows them going around in shades and never explaining that it’s easy to spot a vampire because he’s wearing sunglasses when most people don’t. If I hadn’t read the book I would have wondered about that.

I don’t know much about the Civil War. Well, enough to talk intelligibly about it, but I could have sworn that Abraham and Mary had more than one kid. And there were more historical inaccuracies I just couldn’t quite put my finger on, but I knew there was something off.

Also, **SPOILER** because I read the book, I know Abraham’s supposed to turn into a vampire and become the secret presidential vampire. I had been kind of really hoping to see this at the end but maybe it’ll be in the deleted scenes.

I tried. I wanted to love this. I was so excited to see it. But it just wasn’t worth it.

1 profiterole out of 5.