Category Archives: Movies

The Colony

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The Colony

You know you’re screwed when even the rabbits won’t fuck.

Interesting premise, lame movie. It pissed me off, everyone was just so stupid! I’m going to ruin the whole damn thing because it made me angry.

It starts off with a couple running down a corridor being chased. Then cuts to lots of snow and ice shots until we get to ‘our’ colony. Young guy Sam is fixing some satellite. Trucker looking guy, Mason (Bill Paxton, you’ve fallen!), and anonymous guy take out old guy into snow. Old guy is sick, something about ‘quarantine’ and he wants to ‘walk.’ Mason says no, no more choices. Sam tries to stop him from shooting the old man. I guess when you get sick, you get the choice of a bullet or you can take a long walk into the snow. Old man tries to bolt, but Mason shoots him. Waste of bullets. Shouldn’t you be trying to conserve them?

As Sam go through the colony building, you see it’s some kind of seed depository, like the global seed vault in Norway. They have bees and veggies and the whole shebang. They’re gold. So, Sam complains to Briggs (Laurence Fishburne, why why are you in this?) about Mason not giving old guy the ‘choice.’

It takes a while, but it’s eventually explained that humans were using giant machines to manipulate the weather. Something went wrong and it just never stopped snowing. What’s left of humanity is hunkered down in random places all over the world.

Radio guy (never caught his name) tells Briggs that Colony 5 sent out a distress signal. Briggs decides they have to investigate. Sam is checking out the animals in the animal room (they’re living large, have rabbits and chickens!), and goes to get them some vitamins or something from the place where they keep seeds and drugs (I think. I’m a little confused on that. They seem to have multiple seed vaults). Sam is flirting with some girl, Kai, there. She’s apparently been searching on her laptop for a hopefully warm place, where there is sun and blue skies and all that crap. This colony has a hookup to a weather satellite, so she’s been searching haphazardly through the world, looking for a heat bloom.

Briggs calls a meeting and asks for volunteers to go to Colony 5. He gets Sam and some teenager. Briggs decides to leave Kai in charge, which pisses Mason off. I think. He just seems vaguely annoyed at why is he in the movie in the first place. Although, he may be wondering why the leader of the colony is taking off on a rescue mission that should be delegated to someone else. A woman at the meeting suddenly start coughing and everyone freaks out and shoves her and her husband into quarantine. Briggs warns Mason to leave them in there until he gets back. Mason has itchy trigger fingers.

The trio (Briggs, Sam and teenager) make their way through snow and stuff to the other colony. They cross a dangerous bridge that’s falling apart, so that’s obviously important.

When they get to the entrance of Colony 5, there’s blood everywhere. Smart teenager thinks that maybe, just MAYBE, they should leave, but Briggs insists that they ‘came to help’ so he makes them all go down the tunnel. Nice.

There’s mysterious screaming and banging. They come to a door that’s closed and locked, but beat up with scratches. Sam picks the lock and they go into a room with a single man. He’s gone kinda nuts, freaking out about ‘them.’ He reveals that Colony 5 received a slightly garbled video transmission from an unknown location. They claimed to have fixed a weather machine and have blue skies, heat, and usable topsoil. However, they have no seeds to plant in the soil. OMG the colony does! Anyways, the transmission broke up before the full coordinates could be given, but Colony 5 triangulated where it could have come from and sent a scouting party. They didn’t find the paradise, but a bunch of ’them’ found the scouts and followed them back to the colony.

Briggs and Sam are ecstatic. They write down what’s left of the coordinates and nutty man shows them the approximate location which is slightly off of the map. But they have the weather satellite hookup at their colony, so as long as they know the possible location, they can find the exact place by looking in that area for a heat bloom.

The nutty man claims he wasn’t knocking or screaming, so that means ‘they’ are still here. The trio tries to take him with them, but he pushes them out and locks the door. For some damn reason, they follow the screams and find what’s left of the people. They’re being eaten by cannibals. Rather than, oh, I don’t know, stealthily peek around a corner or just send one person, they all go lumbering in to the cannibal kitchen and, of course, wake up the cannibals. Teenager gets killed and Sam and Briggs escape. They bring down the entrance tunnel with some dynamite and take off back to their colony.

SPOILERS

So usually I’d end it here, but the idiocy keeps going. Teenager had the only radio, so they can’t call back and say ‘oops, pissed off a bunch of murderous cannibals.’ They’re not covering their tracks, so the cannibals easily follow them… to the bridge!

Briggs blows himself and the bridge up. To be fair, he tried. He lit the dynamite on fire and scurried off with Sam, but the wind blew out the fuse. So he had to go back and sacrifice himself heroically.

Sam makes it back, turns out Mason has taken over from Kai. Mason doesn’t believe the whole paradise or cannibal thing. Sam finds the heat bloom using the satellite and shows Kai. They grab about 3 canisters of seeds and decide to book it. 3 canisters. Just 3. I don’t think he even saw what canisters he was grabbing. Hell, he might have grabbed 3 canisters of dandelions or grass! Or catnip! And just ignore the bees and the other things you’re going to need for successful crops. Genetic and crop diversity for example.

They try to run, Mason stops them, the cannibals arrive, blah blah. From what I saw, a lot of the people lock themselves in the various seed vaults and Mason manages to blow up the cannibals. Sam kills the head cannibal, awesomely I’ll admit, by cutting his head through the jaw with an herb cutter. There might be a couple of loose cannibals, but it looks like most of them died. But instead of stopping to repair the colony and maybe grabbing the people in the vaults, Sam thinks it’s a great idea to just FUCKING WALK OUT OF THERE WITH THE 3 CANISTERS AND 7 PEOPLE. They have no gear, they’re not even dressed for the weather. Everything they need is still intact in the colony, but nooo let’s just take off unprepared instead. So you choose death then?

Why didn’t they just repair the colony? The bees! The bees! The genetic diversity! The animals! A couple of seed canisters is not going to cut it. They could have repaired the colony, sent out a scouting party to the exact location (that they know from satellite images), come back with extra people to move everything to the new place. Instead, they leave their friends in the seed vaults, the animals, insects and plants to freeze to death and the seed vaults to just kind of freeze. Oh, and Sam and Co. probably die about 3 hours after the movie ends from exposure, starvation or dehydration. Or maybe they turn into cannibals, I don’t know.

1 candy corn out of 5.

A Good Day to Die Hard

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A Good Day to Die Hard

Are you always looking for trouble, or does it find you?
After all these years… I still ask myself the same question.

The latest in the Die Hard series (there was no fourth Die Hard. That was a mass hallucination). And I gotta say … I liked it. It got a lot of hate, but honestly, I don’t think A Good Day deserved all the hate piled on it. While admittedly not on the same calibre as the first three, it is still a pretty good and fun action movie on its own.

In Russia, a billionaire, Yuri, is being put on trial for some bogus reason, but really because he apparently has some kind of ‘file’ on the Russian defence minister that could bring the minister down. Shoot back to the US, where the CIA wants that file too, and sends in one of their men to get it.

Around Moscow, we see a young man (Jai Courtney) fiddling with some vans near some buildings. He goes into a nightclub, says ‘Yuri says hello’ and shoots some guy. The young man is arrested. He claims to the police he will testify that this is all Yuri’s idea if they will put him in the courtroom with Yuri.

Meanwhile, good old boy John McClane (the incomparable Bruce Willis. Oh my god, how I love love love this man), is dropped off at the airport by his daughter. Seems John Jr., or Jack, is in trouble in Moscow. McClane is going off to try to bail Jack out or figure out some other way to help. He has a file a cop buddy gave him, showing that Jack is some kind of small time thug in Moscow (vandalism, theft, smallish stuff). We see from a photo in the file that the young man in the nightclub is Jack.

On his way to the courthouse, McClane tries his very awkward Russian on the cab driver, who luckily speaks some English. After serenading him, the driver lets McClane out of the cab because this ring road is always jammed with traffic. McClane walks to the courthouse. There are tons of protestors around the courthouse. Yuri is considered a political prisoner by the people, unjustly held by the villainous defence minister.

McClane watches as Jack is led out of the prison van with Yuri. It’s not a good moment for the (mostly) law abiding cop McClane. Jack is brought into the courtroom with Yuri and they are both put into neighbouring clear cells along the wall. Some kind of holding cells? I don’t really know.

And shiiiiiiiiiit hits the fan.

Some sleazy guys, apparently paid by the defence minister, blow up some cars outside and rush the courtroom, also blowing up more stuff and shooting shit. Jack breaks out of his cell and breaks the very confused Yuri out too. He drags Yuri out of the courthouse and into a waiting van, one of the ones he had been fiddling with before the nightclub shooting. As they start to get away, Jack almost runs over McClane!

McClane is pissed. He sees what looks very much like a jail break and drags Jack out of the van. The confused Yuri jumps out of the van and the sleazy guys with guns come running out of the courthouse, shooting at Yuri. The head sleaze stops his boys, shouting that they need Yuri alive, but that the others can be killed. Jack drags Yuri back into the van and he then pulls a gun on McClane. He dares Jack to shoot him, but Jack finally just pushes him out of the way and jumps back into the van, driving off. The sleazy guys take off after the van, and McClane does too. He’s not done chastising his boy!

Back in the getaway van, it turns out Jack is the CIA man in Moscow. But because of McClane’s interference, Jack’s window of escape has closed and the ring road has been shut down by the police. Time for Plan B. Then there is a truly awesometastic car chase between Jack, the sleazy boys, and McClane. Seriously, it is the shit. I could watch it over and over again. This is how action car chase scenes should be. McClane steals some meathead’s giant SUV (or some kind of car) and drives it off a fucking bridge!!!! He drives onto the TOP of a bunch of traffic stalled cars in the chase after Jack. Gorgeous.

McClane ends up saving Jack and Yuri from the sleazy boys. Jack takes them to the CIA safe house, where the CIA man there demands Yuri hand over the file and they will take him out of Russia. Yuri will hand over the file, but only if his daughter, Irina, is allowed to go too. He calls her and asks her to meet him at a hotel where he and her mother first danced. McClane is amazed that Jack is actually a professional CIA spy. The small time thug stuff was just a cover. Jack’s not a fuck up.

But the sleazy boys have found them and the CIA man is killed, Yuri is shot (in the arm), but he and the McClanes escape. They head for the hotel. On the way there, McClane and Yuri have a moment about fatherhood, something about thinking that working all the time and making money for material things for your family is what they thought was important, but they both realize that being there as a dad was way more important.

McClane, Jack and Yuri make it to the hotel and head to the top floor to meet Irina. The file is hidden in a safe (handily in Yuri’s first mansion, located next to sunny Chernobyl!), but the key to the safe is in the hotel ballroom. They meet Irina and she and Yuri have an emotional reunion. Jack and Yuri are getting the key by the window when McClane attempts to make awkward small talk with Irina. He politely asks her how she got to the hotel so fast and she replies she used the ring road… You know, the one the cabbie said was always snarled with traffic and that the cops had just shut down. McClane knows immediately something is up and the sleazy boys jump out. Irina has been working for the defense minister and the sleazy boys. The McClanes are tied up and Yuri is led away to waiting helicopter.

The McClanes have to get away from the sleazy boys, save Yuri and get that file. Which is in Chernobyl.

I really don’t get the hate. I think the main issue people have is that McClane is apparently no longer the ‘everyman,’ that guy who just happens to walk into a bad situation and deals with it as best as he can. Just a regular Joe. I think he IS a regular Joe still. The series has kind of evolved, if I can use that term. We’ve grown up, and so has McClane. He seems tired and phoning it in, because he IS tired. This is the guy who can’t go to the corner store to get a carton of milk because terrorists have taken it over. Or he tries to go help his son and stumbles into a Russian conspiracy. He’s tired of it all. He just wants to catch a break and be able to nap without the world exploding since he’s not around. Why is this happening to him again??

McClane’s got a lot of experience dealing with baddies now, so he can use that knowledge. But he still retains that everyman quality his son clearly doesn’t have. As Jack emphasizes again and again, he’s a professional. McClane’s just a regular dude reacting to situations, while his son is a trained professional with plans and scenarios mapped out. So Jack always tries to stick to the plan and process, like he’s been trained. When they get to the hotel. Jack is interrogating Yuri, trying to figure out the hotel layout, weak spots, blind spots, cameras, choke points, security… You get the idea. McClane goes up to the laundry guy and bribes him for his pass and to take a break for bit. They go up the freight elevator. A regular guy isn’t going to be strategizing like a professional. He knows that the seemingly least important employees will know all the information and usually have some very vital access. They are regular people, just like him. We can relate to him, not his son. He’s still John McClane, the man we all love, he’s just grown up a bit.

I love the action. Great, great, great! And of course, this is Die Hard, nothing is as it seems. And I admit to laughing at the helicopter scene (you’ll know what I mean when you see it), but it was more of hey I remember that! This was a homage!

It wasn’t as good as the first three. I will say that. Nor is it an instant classic like they are. But it has great action, John McClane, an amusing story and it’s something that you can watch again. Not the greatest, but still, pretty good. I freely admit to liking it.

Also, Jai is kinda hot.

3 raspberry sorbet scoops out of 5.

The Day

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The Day

You’re just dying faster than we are.

The Day is a post apocalyptic. I think it’s trying to be something like The Divide (one of the actors is even in this!), but I’m not really feeling it. It is one day in the life of a group trying to survive.

There was some kind of apocalyptic event 10 years ago. The event seems to have turned the world blue and white. Oh, and seems like most people died, little resources, the usual formula.

A group of 5 people (3 guys, 2 girls) are wandering the back roads in the States. They’re looking for a place to spend the night, and examine a map. They are worried because the region they’re in seems to be a good place for ‘them,’ so a number of places on the map are dismissed as possible refuges.

They run into a house. Seems too good to be true, but one of their members is very ill and they have to stop. I think he has pneumonia or something. Anyways, they explore the place, one of the girls takes a ‘shower’ using water coming through a hole in the roof. The 2 girls go off into the woods to try to find food. One of them, a girl in a dress, kills a guy who attacks her at a river bed.

Back at the house, the guys go into the basement and discover what appear to be crates upon crates of food. Waaaaaaaaay too good to be true. One of the guys is so hungry, he busts opens one of the cans, which is filled with rocks. Suddenly this spike thing comes out of nowhere and kills the lead guy. Also, an alarm starts blaring and the basement door is blocked.

So they’ve stumbled upon a trap set by cannibals. Oh, there’s cannibals in the post apocalypse world. There always are.

Anyways, the girls come back and rescue the guys from the cannibals. During the fight, it’s revealed that dress girl herself used to be a cannibal. They brand themselves with the mark of their cannibal clan. There’s really no where for the surviving group members to go, since the main bulk of the cannibals is probably on the way and the countryside is so open, they won’t be able to get far away enough in time.  The group tortures dress girl, but she fights her way free and decides to fight alongside them.

And yeah. Epic battle, blah blah.

I wasn’t really impressed. Obviously. The survivors seem to use up their resources randomly and the cannibal clan looks very big (they even have awesome badass cannibal children) for the group to *SPOILER* realistically take out. I guess it’s supposed to be some kind of commentary on humanity and how low or high we will go when pushed. I don’t know. I liked the Divide more. These people seemed to be all screamy all the time. And I suppose they were going for some kind of ‘OH THE HUMANITY!!’ feeling with the torture scene, but I was just meh. There’s a large group of cannibals on the way and the best way to spend your time is torturing a former cannibal? Oh, and let’s just use our dwindling resources to cremate our friend’s body too. Great use of time there.

1 dark chocolate chunk, dried cherry and toffee bits cookie out of 5.  

Storage 24

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Storage 24

Look at you… You’re vicious aren’t you? Nothing but vicious… You know, you’re just like my wife.

Storage 24 is a British horrorish/sci fi movie. I was in a pretty pissed off mood when I watched it the first time, so I had to watch it again. It was better the second time around, but nothing I would have watched again.

A plane has crashed/released its cargo into London. The accident has been wreaking havoc with London’s electricity grids. There’s also lots of black SUV type cars driving around in a seeming panic. The storage building of the movie title, Storage 24, has been having problems with its lockdown security system all day. The gates come down and lock the wealthy female half of an obnoxious rich couple inside with the storage guy. The male half of the couple stares at his fancy car, now busted up by a plane engine (Okay, I’m not sure what it is, the jet engine? The part that can suck people in and kill them anyways. I’m too lazy to look it up. You know what I mean).

A woman is walking her dog and sees a bunch of the black cars go busting after something. Her dog, freaking out, gets away from her and runs into a warehouse yard. The woman runs after her dog and sees some kind of busted up metal box amid flaming wreckage. The box has horrible smelling goo on it, and she and her dog are killed by something off screen.

Meanwhile, Charlie (the great Noel Clarke), is stuck in traffic with his best friend, Mark. Charlie is moaning about his recent breakup. He’s on his way to the storage unit he shared with his ex-girlfriend to get his stuff. Mark tries to get Charlie to maybe notice that things are falling from the sky and everyone’s panicking just a bit, but Charlie’s too preoccupied with wondering where things went wrong.

They get to Storage 24. Charlie, seeing his ex’s car, laments about he bought that car for them to use, it’s ‘their’ car, what went wrong, bitch bitch bitch, whine, pathetic, etc. He freaks out when he sees a man’s jacket in the car and rips off one of the windshield wipers before Mark pulls him off. Luckily for us, the viewers, an electrician has managed to override the gate controls and the annoying female half of the rich couple leaves. If she had been in the movie any longer, her whining would have made me turn off the movie. The two guys and the electrician go into the storage building. Unfortunately, another surge causes the gates to close after them. The electrician and the storage guy go to the basement to find the power box.

Charlie and Mark get to the storage locker, only to find Charlie’s ex, Shelley, her best friend Nikki and Nikki’s boyfriend (I think) Chris already there cleaning it out. The power is shutting off intermittently in the building.

The electrician is figuring out stuff in the basement when he finds some foul goo and the electrical box. The storage guy goes upstairs. He later comes down to talk to the electrician, who is sitting on the stairs with his back to the door. The storage guy grabs him and the electrician turns around. He has a huge gaping wound in the chest, a bunch of deep slashes. They’ve done some very good prosthetics and special effects on his body. It looks great, it looks like a very realistic sucking chest wound. An alien creature lunges out of the dark at the bottom of the stairwell at storage guy, who, not being an idiot, turns and runs. I like the alien too. He has an awesome gross mouth. Its mouth is sideways with these pincer teeth things running down the sides and another mouth inside with needle teeth. Cool. Storage guy runs upstairs and hides.

Charlie and Mark decide to leave, but they can’t because of the gates. Nikki is using a gross bathroom (well, I have seen the worst bathroom in the Western world and sadly it was in a great burger place) when Chris wanders off. He goes into this storage locker and finds the storage guy hiding there (never did learn his name). He’s freaking out about ‘it’ when a reptilian looking hand with really long fingers and talons reaches down from the ceiling and pulls storage guy up, head first. Now Chris is the one freaking out and going catatonic.

In a horrible confrontation, Shelley finally reveals why she dumped Charlie. She felt nothing around him. He didn’t excite her. OUCH. Yeow, can you be more devastating? Wait, yes, she fucking can. Because when she runs off, Mark offers to go after her while Charlie waits in the storage locker. Turns out Mark and Shelley have had a thing going on for a while. That’s the big reason why she’s breaking up with Charlie. Cow.

Anyways, Nikki, back in the locker, and Charlie hear something and go running to find Mark and Shelley, who are caught and it’s pretty obvious what they were doing. Charlie punches the deserving Mark and storms off, with Nikki rushing after him. She didn’t know either. They find the catatonic Chris covered in blood and Charlie finds the storage guy’s body up in the ceiling. Nikki runs out to throw up in the hallway. Mark and Shelley go into the locker and this crazy guy in a robe attacks Nikki with a toothbrush. Shelley knocks him out and they tie him up, thinking he’s a serial killer.

They hear some weird noises and shut the locker door. Something smashes into it. The door opens and there’s nothing there, but Chris can’t take it and runs off. The alien chases him. We see it fully, some kind of insect/reptile thing. Really, I quite like it. It cheerily pulls out Chris’s heart and squishes it.

The surviving gang release robe guy, who it turns out is hiding in the storage building from his wife. They go to his storage unit/hideaway and are chased there by the alien. They manage to get inside. Then, they decide to try to get outside out the building. Charlie remembers the electrician had some kind of device to open the gate, and that he’s probably in the basement. So, an uneasy truce between Charlie and Mark develops and the guys go to other lockers via the air ducts looking for weapons to get them out of there. Those flimsy storage locker doors can’t hold forever.

It really wasn’t too bad the second time around. Mark reveals himself to be a full out dick while he had been the sort sympathetic buddy guy at the start, and Charlie turns into the strong badass while he’d been a whiny little bitch at the start. I really like the alien, and its murderous rampage. It actually rips somebody’s jaw right off their face. I really really like the scenes with the dog toy. It’s one of those ones that barks and does back flips. I had no idea it could be converted into a rocket launcher thing. Woot for whoever came up with the idea to tie fireworks to the dog toy.

A not too bad way to waste an hour and a half. Also, I love you, Noel Clarke. You are the fucking man.

3 lemon tarts out of 5.