Category Archives: Other Movies

These are movies that just don’t have enough action or horror to be considered action or horror. I don’t watch much drama or any chick flicks, so this will probably be mostly comedy movies, and maybe, MAYBE, the occasional drama that I watch solely because of an awesome actor or I find to be an interesting subject.

The Colony

Standard

The Colony

You know you’re screwed when even the rabbits won’t fuck.

Interesting premise, lame movie. It pissed me off, everyone was just so stupid! I’m going to ruin the whole damn thing because it made me angry.

It starts off with a couple running down a corridor being chased. Then cuts to lots of snow and ice shots until we get to ‘our’ colony. Young guy Sam is fixing some satellite. Trucker looking guy, Mason (Bill Paxton, you’ve fallen!), and anonymous guy take out old guy into snow. Old guy is sick, something about ‘quarantine’ and he wants to ‘walk.’ Mason says no, no more choices. Sam tries to stop him from shooting the old man. I guess when you get sick, you get the choice of a bullet or you can take a long walk into the snow. Old man tries to bolt, but Mason shoots him. Waste of bullets. Shouldn’t you be trying to conserve them?

As Sam go through the colony building, you see it’s some kind of seed depository, like the global seed vault in Norway. They have bees and veggies and the whole shebang. They’re gold. So, Sam complains to Briggs (Laurence Fishburne, why why are you in this?) about Mason not giving old guy the ‘choice.’

It takes a while, but it’s eventually explained that humans were using giant machines to manipulate the weather. Something went wrong and it just never stopped snowing. What’s left of humanity is hunkered down in random places all over the world.

Radio guy (never caught his name) tells Briggs that Colony 5 sent out a distress signal. Briggs decides they have to investigate. Sam is checking out the animals in the animal room (they’re living large, have rabbits and chickens!), and goes to get them some vitamins or something from the place where they keep seeds and drugs (I think. I’m a little confused on that. They seem to have multiple seed vaults). Sam is flirting with some girl, Kai, there. She’s apparently been searching on her laptop for a hopefully warm place, where there is sun and blue skies and all that crap. This colony has a hookup to a weather satellite, so she’s been searching haphazardly through the world, looking for a heat bloom.

Briggs calls a meeting and asks for volunteers to go to Colony 5. He gets Sam and some teenager. Briggs decides to leave Kai in charge, which pisses Mason off. I think. He just seems vaguely annoyed at why is he in the movie in the first place. Although, he may be wondering why the leader of the colony is taking off on a rescue mission that should be delegated to someone else. A woman at the meeting suddenly start coughing and everyone freaks out and shoves her and her husband into quarantine. Briggs warns Mason to leave them in there until he gets back. Mason has itchy trigger fingers.

The trio (Briggs, Sam and teenager) make their way through snow and stuff to the other colony. They cross a dangerous bridge that’s falling apart, so that’s obviously important.

When they get to the entrance of Colony 5, there’s blood everywhere. Smart teenager thinks that maybe, just MAYBE, they should leave, but Briggs insists that they ‘came to help’ so he makes them all go down the tunnel. Nice.

There’s mysterious screaming and banging. They come to a door that’s closed and locked, but beat up with scratches. Sam picks the lock and they go into a room with a single man. He’s gone kinda nuts, freaking out about ‘them.’ He reveals that Colony 5 received a slightly garbled video transmission from an unknown location. They claimed to have fixed a weather machine and have blue skies, heat, and usable topsoil. However, they have no seeds to plant in the soil. OMG the colony does! Anyways, the transmission broke up before the full coordinates could be given, but Colony 5 triangulated where it could have come from and sent a scouting party. They didn’t find the paradise, but a bunch of ’them’ found the scouts and followed them back to the colony.

Briggs and Sam are ecstatic. They write down what’s left of the coordinates and nutty man shows them the approximate location which is slightly off of the map. But they have the weather satellite hookup at their colony, so as long as they know the possible location, they can find the exact place by looking in that area for a heat bloom.

The nutty man claims he wasn’t knocking or screaming, so that means ‘they’ are still here. The trio tries to take him with them, but he pushes them out and locks the door. For some damn reason, they follow the screams and find what’s left of the people. They’re being eaten by cannibals. Rather than, oh, I don’t know, stealthily peek around a corner or just send one person, they all go lumbering in to the cannibal kitchen and, of course, wake up the cannibals. Teenager gets killed and Sam and Briggs escape. They bring down the entrance tunnel with some dynamite and take off back to their colony.

SPOILERS

So usually I’d end it here, but the idiocy keeps going. Teenager had the only radio, so they can’t call back and say ‘oops, pissed off a bunch of murderous cannibals.’ They’re not covering their tracks, so the cannibals easily follow them… to the bridge!

Briggs blows himself and the bridge up. To be fair, he tried. He lit the dynamite on fire and scurried off with Sam, but the wind blew out the fuse. So he had to go back and sacrifice himself heroically.

Sam makes it back, turns out Mason has taken over from Kai. Mason doesn’t believe the whole paradise or cannibal thing. Sam finds the heat bloom using the satellite and shows Kai. They grab about 3 canisters of seeds and decide to book it. 3 canisters. Just 3. I don’t think he even saw what canisters he was grabbing. Hell, he might have grabbed 3 canisters of dandelions or grass! Or catnip! And just ignore the bees and the other things you’re going to need for successful crops. Genetic and crop diversity for example.

They try to run, Mason stops them, the cannibals arrive, blah blah. From what I saw, a lot of the people lock themselves in the various seed vaults and Mason manages to blow up the cannibals. Sam kills the head cannibal, awesomely I’ll admit, by cutting his head through the jaw with an herb cutter. There might be a couple of loose cannibals, but it looks like most of them died. But instead of stopping to repair the colony and maybe grabbing the people in the vaults, Sam thinks it’s a great idea to just FUCKING WALK OUT OF THERE WITH THE 3 CANISTERS AND 7 PEOPLE. They have no gear, they’re not even dressed for the weather. Everything they need is still intact in the colony, but nooo let’s just take off unprepared instead. So you choose death then?

Why didn’t they just repair the colony? The bees! The bees! The genetic diversity! The animals! A couple of seed canisters is not going to cut it. They could have repaired the colony, sent out a scouting party to the exact location (that they know from satellite images), come back with extra people to move everything to the new place. Instead, they leave their friends in the seed vaults, the animals, insects and plants to freeze to death and the seed vaults to just kind of freeze. Oh, and Sam and Co. probably die about 3 hours after the movie ends from exposure, starvation or dehydration. Or maybe they turn into cannibals, I don’t know.

1 candy corn out of 5.

The Day

Standard

The Day

You’re just dying faster than we are.

The Day is a post apocalyptic. I think it’s trying to be something like The Divide (one of the actors is even in this!), but I’m not really feeling it. It is one day in the life of a group trying to survive.

There was some kind of apocalyptic event 10 years ago. The event seems to have turned the world blue and white. Oh, and seems like most people died, little resources, the usual formula.

A group of 5 people (3 guys, 2 girls) are wandering the back roads in the States. They’re looking for a place to spend the night, and examine a map. They are worried because the region they’re in seems to be a good place for ‘them,’ so a number of places on the map are dismissed as possible refuges.

They run into a house. Seems too good to be true, but one of their members is very ill and they have to stop. I think he has pneumonia or something. Anyways, they explore the place, one of the girls takes a ‘shower’ using water coming through a hole in the roof. The 2 girls go off into the woods to try to find food. One of them, a girl in a dress, kills a guy who attacks her at a river bed.

Back at the house, the guys go into the basement and discover what appear to be crates upon crates of food. Waaaaaaaaay too good to be true. One of the guys is so hungry, he busts opens one of the cans, which is filled with rocks. Suddenly this spike thing comes out of nowhere and kills the lead guy. Also, an alarm starts blaring and the basement door is blocked.

So they’ve stumbled upon a trap set by cannibals. Oh, there’s cannibals in the post apocalypse world. There always are.

Anyways, the girls come back and rescue the guys from the cannibals. During the fight, it’s revealed that dress girl herself used to be a cannibal. They brand themselves with the mark of their cannibal clan. There’s really no where for the surviving group members to go, since the main bulk of the cannibals is probably on the way and the countryside is so open, they won’t be able to get far away enough in time.  The group tortures dress girl, but she fights her way free and decides to fight alongside them.

And yeah. Epic battle, blah blah.

I wasn’t really impressed. Obviously. The survivors seem to use up their resources randomly and the cannibal clan looks very big (they even have awesome badass cannibal children) for the group to *SPOILER* realistically take out. I guess it’s supposed to be some kind of commentary on humanity and how low or high we will go when pushed. I don’t know. I liked the Divide more. These people seemed to be all screamy all the time. And I suppose they were going for some kind of ‘OH THE HUMANITY!!’ feeling with the torture scene, but I was just meh. There’s a large group of cannibals on the way and the best way to spend your time is torturing a former cannibal? Oh, and let’s just use our dwindling resources to cremate our friend’s body too. Great use of time there.

1 dark chocolate chunk, dried cherry and toffee bits cookie out of 5.  

Chronicle

Standard

Chronicle

Yes, it was the black guy this time!

I’m just going to say I really really do not like shaky cams and ‘found’ footage movies. When I go see a movie, I want it to look like a MOVIE, like someone spent lots of time, equipment and money making something look good. I don’t want to see something that some kid could have done with his dad’s digital camera. But luckily, that is not Chronicle.

Chronicle is about 3 high school seniors, the ultra popular but all round good guy Steve, his buddy with the implied perfect suburban family, the philosophical Matt, and Matt’s cousin, Andrew.  Andrew has a pretty sad home. His mother is dying (something to do with her lungs, I think lung cancer) and his dad is an alcoholic dickwad. Andrew himself is bullied at school and just lets out this air of vulnerability but with a lot of quiet anger. He gets himself a camera and starts documenting his life. Matt theorizes that this creates a barrier between Andrew and everybody else and that Andrew needs to let people in. At a party, Andrew gets beat up for filming another guy’s girlfriend. Steve comes to him and asks him to film this cool thing he and Matt found. The three guys go down an tunnel and a weird pulsating noise is heard. They come to a rock cave where there is a large glowing crystal structure. It’s changing colour and Andrew’s camera suddenly starts shorting out. He’s freaking out and wants to leave, but before he can convince the other two, the crystal lets out some kind of strong pulse that knocks out the camera.

Some time is implied to have passed before Andrew starts filming again. The three guys are shown levitating balls and throwing them at each other. They get nose bleeds each time, and Andrew shows himself to be stronger than the others, he is able to manipulate objects more deftly and build a Lego tower while the other two struggle to connect Lego bricks. He’s practicing quietly by himself at home. When they try to go back to the tunnel, they find it has collapsed. There are forest rangers there telling them that the whole area is unstable and collapsing.

Matt thinks that this new power of theirs is like a muscle. If they overexert themselves, they get nosebleeds, but as they slowly build up their telekinetic powers, they get stronger and bleed less. They start secretly pranking people as Andrew gets it all on camera. Innocent guy stuff at first, like making skirts flip up, making shopping carts move away from their owners, and in an awesome scene, make a teddy bear float around a little girl and then getting it to chase her. Steve is able to move a car to another parking space, making the owner freak out about who stole her car. But things take a turn when Andrew accidently shoves a truck off the road, making it smash through a guard rail and land in a river. Steve jumps into the river and pulls the driver out. Andrew tries to stop Matt from calling the cops, but Matt ignores him. The driver ends up alive, but in the hospital. Matt demands they make rules for themselves. They are getting stronger, but they shouldn’t abuse their power. They should never use their powers against living beings.

Later, Steve calls the other two and insists they come out to what looks like an abandoned mill or something. He can now fly! He teaches the other two, with Andrew being a quick study and Matt taking hilariously longer. They now go flying up in the clouds together, very happy. They almost get hit by a plane, but Andrew saves Steve (and the camera) and the three land on the ground, deliriously happy to be alive. Andrew that night tells the others that this day was the greatest day of his life and they agree. They also decide that after graduation, they want to fly around the world together, Andrew expressing interest in Tibet for its peaceful vibe and the monks who can supposedly float.

Andrew can now film without holding the camera, floating it to follow him around. Steve and Andrew become very close, with Steve revealing that his parents are having lots of marital troubles and Andrew opening up somewhat about his father. Steve convinces Andrew to participate in the school talent show with him, and using their powers, do a great magic show. Andrew becomes very popular and at a large party, drinks way too much and, while trying to hook up for the first time with a girl, he vomits on her. Steve tries to talk to him, but Andrew screams for him to go away and stop laughing at him, revealing his deep insecurities that no one wants him. It’s a devastating scene, and familiar for anybody who didn’t have the greatest time in grade school.

Andrew begins to become withdrawn and starts killing spiders with his powers. His dad tries to beat him, but Andrew flings him back with a show of extreme force, almost knocking his dad unconscious. Andrew flies up to the clouds to be alone, but Steve finds him. Apparently, Steve got some kind of feeling that there was something terribly wrong with Andrew and he managed to find him through some kind of connection. I think that had they been able to go on further, they would have likely developed telepathy with each other, and because Steve and Andrew developed a closer emotional bond with each other than with Matt, that they could feel each other’s emotions more keenly. Like if you know someone so well you can finish their sentences. But Andrew won’t be consoled by Steve, and his emotions are so strong and his powers are so heavily tied in with his emotions, that there’s an accident…

There is of course more movie. Andrew’s descent into complete apathy and arrogance are so terribly sad because at the core, he just wants to be loved and accepted. But that can never be after what happens.

The three actors are fantastic. When they are discovering their powers, they are so believably giddy that I was happy right along with them. I’m glad they showed Steve as an actual good guy, and not the stereotypical Hollywood movie stupid popular jerk. He is much more believable this way. Matt reminds me of those guys in university philosophy classes, the ones living in the books and trying to draw parallels between what the books say and what’s going on in real life, but putting more emphasis on the book theory than what is really happening. But Andrew is the star, the focus. The most powerful of the trio, the most emotionally vulnerable and ultimately the weakest link. He’s the one everyone can really identify with. Everyone during their teenage years went through that whole ‘who am I, what am I doing, why doesn’t anybody like me, where do I belong’ stage, just his is compounded with the bad home life. You can even see a physical change as the character becomes more and more withdrawn, his face looks thinner, paler and bags appear under his eyes. He begins to believe that HE is the apex predator, the absolute top of the food chain and everyone else is beneath him. And he shows it in the most devastating way, forcing Matt to make a terrible decision.

I’m not even going to complain about the shaky cam. It only shaky cammed in a few places (that made absolute sense, like when the crystal sent out the pulse or when the camera was plummeting to the ground after the close call with the plane).  I really liked how they made it so that Andrew could make the camera float around after him, so that he wasn’t holding it, but just allowing it to follow the trio around. This gives it a shaky cam vibe, but with actual movie filming (i.e. it looks good). The CGI is quite good too. I really liked at the start when Andrew was building the Lego tower. And wow, I know they aren’t really flying, but it looks pretty damn good and the pure joy on their faces made me really wonder how they were doing it. I feel like I would have been acting the exact same way. The end sequences are where most of the special effects budget was clearly allocated and it was money well spent. It looks fantastic.

The crystal is never explained, but I figure it’s probably some alien thing. It sure looks like it, but it’s not really important to the story except as what gives the guys their powers. I do kinda wonder why they just didn’t lift the dirt out of the tunnel with their powers, but I guess they didn’t care how or why they had powers, it’s just enough that they have them. The super in the background romance between Matt and a girl are to me showing that the power isn’t that big of a deal to Matt. He wants to use it to help people, but it’s just a tool. He was already going to be altruistic, this just helps it along. It’s not his life unlike the other two.

SPOILERS! Steve was obviously what was keeping them together and Andrew’s more destructive tendencies in check. Here was the guy who seemed to have it all, but could really empathize with Andrew’s bad home, especially since his own was imploding. To me, he seemed to be of almost, if not equal strength the Andrew. Steve was the first to fly. And since the powers seem rather emotion based, because Steve was going through bad times too, he was strong. Steve and Andrew used the powers to forget about the bad things in their lives. They would tell secrets to each other and say ‘but don’t tell anyone’ but they kept talking to each other about it. He was the buddy Andrew had always wanted and needed, the guy who would be Andrew’s bridge between his antisocial self and the wider world and his loss sent Andrew on a crazy egotistical rampage. Matt seemed too in control of himself and he didn’t need the powers to make his life better, so he seemed the weakest, but that control saved everybody.

Good movie. Great actors. Good special effects. Just good.

5 sour gummy keys out of 5.

Lockout

Standard

Lockout

Your two minutes start now.
Shoot me if you want, but I can guarantee this opens if you give me five minutes.
… Good sales pitch.

What a totally forgettable movie. I think it’s trying to be Escape from New York in space, but it tries way too hard.

Snow (Guy Pearce, why are you in such a bad movie? Did you just do it for the fun? Because you seem like you’re having fun.) is a former CIA agent. He’s being beaten up by some guy named Rupert during an interrogation run by Langral (Peter Stormare, who is pretty cool), a Secret Service guy. Something about some colonel being killed and Snow taking off with a suspicious briefcase. In flashbacks (between punches by Rupert) we see that Snow was protecting the colonel but didn’t do a great job because the man was killed. The colonel passed his lighter to Snow and warned him of a mole in the government. A bunch of governmenty looking guys in SWAT gear burst in, with a helicopter outside too. Snow tries to take off with the briefcase and there are some really pathetic CGI chase scenes. Okay, I get it, you did this in front of a green screen, but can’t you blend it a bit better? Sin City was entirely in front of a green screen and looks great, but this, not so much. It made me think of those old shows where people are doing a car chase but they’re not moving, only the scenery backdrop does. You can almost hear the gears in the scenery motors grinding. Anyways, Snow makes it to the subway and tosses the briefcase in train where his informant, Mace, grabs it. Snow is taken in, and Mace puts the briefcase in a locker in another train station before accidently killing a cop. Snow’s old friend, Harry, stops Langral’s interrogation and Snow secretly reveals that Mace has the briefcase.

Meanwhile, the president’s daughter, Emilie (I have no idea who this actress is, except that she’s trying to do a Charlize Theron impersonation that isn’t working), is visiting the maximum security prison in space, MS One. She wants to know the effect of stasis on human minds. She’s some kind of bleeding heart and worried about the prisoners and whether or not the enforced stasis causes dementia, increased aggression and general psychosis. Of course her idiot Secret Service guards smuggle in weapons and when a thawed prisoner, the crazy Hydell, (Joseph Gilgun!) is near them, he grabs the gun and starts off this huge chain reaction which of course frees all 500ish prisoners. It didn’t make sense to me. I mean, there is ONE scientist lab guy in the main centre of the prison??? No guards? Pass keys? Codes? And he somehow has the ability to open ALL of the cryopods?  Don’t they have fail safes? Maybe even some kind of password? Mall security cop? A KEY that only the warden has??? Hell, lab guy looked like an intern to me. But nope, with a gun to his head, lab guy pushes ONE button and all the pods open.  And all hell breaks loose.

To avoid an ugly all the hostages are killed situation, ‘they’ (that is, Langral, Harry and the President) decide to send Snow up there. And they send him up there to save ONLY Emilie. The rest of the hostages can go fuck themselves. Well, theoretically they want Snow to get her out and then they will send in the Marines. They didn’t really think this through very well because Emilie clearly can’t keep her mouth shut and it’s going to be a PR nightmare either way. Either she gets out, everyone else is killed and she tells all about how they only saved her and fuck the other hostages, or best case, she gets out, then the Marines get everyone else out and then EVERYONE talks about how they only saved her at first and fuck the other hostages. Oh, and the prisoners don’t know they have the president’s daughter. Snow goes up because Harry tells him Mace is on MS One and only Mace knows where the briefcase is that can clear Snow’s name.

Snow gets on the station, but thanks to a kerfuffle, the head prisoner (also Hydell’s brother), finds out that Emilie is the President’s kid and goes to get her, but she gets away with her dumbass bodyguard (he of the smuggled in weapon that started this trainwreck movie). They hole themselves up in a room, but somehow, when the bodyguard shot out the lock, he screwed up the oxygen supply to the room. Great bodyguard you got there. So now Snow has to get through to her before she dies.

And the rest of the movie is just them trying to get off the station, he takes her to the escape pod, she decides not to go so that the other hostages are freed, there’s a time bomb, the space prison is falling into orbit, whatever.

It was very, well, not exactly boring, but not terribly engaging. I kept checking the time to see when the movie ended. The exterior of the space station is great, but I’ve got the feeling that’s because it’s a model. Of course Emilie does some stupid heroics which wind up *SPOILER* getting the other hostages killed anyways. Who didn’t see that coming? HE’S A PSYCHO, of COURSE he’s not going to keep his promises! Emilie is supposed to be some kind of ice queen with a caring heart of gold, but comes off as a whiny brat. Snow, well, Guy Pearce is clearly having fun playing an asshole. He’s just not really caring how bad the movie is, he’s just having fun shooting guns, beating people up, and sprouting off one liners. His entire script is just one huge one liner. It’s like he’s trying to be an amalgamation of every 80s action hero. No one feels terribly invested in their characters. It’s fast food movie. It’s just to give you a vague sense of satisfaction but isn’t very filling. Except for Hydell, that is. He’s fully in the crazy moment.

Yes, they find the mole at the end. Yes, the lighter is important. Yes, Emilie magically figures out where the briefcase is by somehow figuring out what the babbling Mace was saying (oh, they found him, but he had stasis induced dementia and was reduced to saying seemingly random and unconnected words). No, you don’t ever find out what the secrets were. No, Langral is not actually a bad guy, just a guy trying to do his job the best way he can. When it ended, I just felt relieved. I don’t even know if there were end credit scenes. Didn’t stick around to find out.

1 deep fried banana out of 5 (Guy Pearce is having a LOT of fun!)