Storage 24

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Storage 24

Look at you… You’re vicious aren’t you? Nothing but vicious… You know, you’re just like my wife.

Storage 24 is a British horrorish/sci fi movie. I was in a pretty pissed off mood when I watched it the first time, so I had to watch it again. It was better the second time around, but nothing I would have watched again.

A plane has crashed/released its cargo into London. The accident has been wreaking havoc with London’s electricity grids. There’s also lots of black SUV type cars driving around in a seeming panic. The storage building of the movie title, Storage 24, has been having problems with its lockdown security system all day. The gates come down and lock the wealthy female half of an obnoxious rich couple inside with the storage guy. The male half of the couple stares at his fancy car, now busted up by a plane engine (Okay, I’m not sure what it is, the jet engine? The part that can suck people in and kill them anyways. I’m too lazy to look it up. You know what I mean).

A woman is walking her dog and sees a bunch of the black cars go busting after something. Her dog, freaking out, gets away from her and runs into a warehouse yard. The woman runs after her dog and sees some kind of busted up metal box amid flaming wreckage. The box has horrible smelling goo on it, and she and her dog are killed by something off screen.

Meanwhile, Charlie (the great Noel Clarke), is stuck in traffic with his best friend, Mark. Charlie is moaning about his recent breakup. He’s on his way to the storage unit he shared with his ex-girlfriend to get his stuff. Mark tries to get Charlie to maybe notice that things are falling from the sky and everyone’s panicking just a bit, but Charlie’s too preoccupied with wondering where things went wrong.

They get to Storage 24. Charlie, seeing his ex’s car, laments about he bought that car for them to use, it’s ‘their’ car, what went wrong, bitch bitch bitch, whine, pathetic, etc. He freaks out when he sees a man’s jacket in the car and rips off one of the windshield wipers before Mark pulls him off. Luckily for us, the viewers, an electrician has managed to override the gate controls and the annoying female half of the rich couple leaves. If she had been in the movie any longer, her whining would have made me turn off the movie. The two guys and the electrician go into the storage building. Unfortunately, another surge causes the gates to close after them. The electrician and the storage guy go to the basement to find the power box.

Charlie and Mark get to the storage locker, only to find Charlie’s ex, Shelley, her best friend Nikki and Nikki’s boyfriend (I think) Chris already there cleaning it out. The power is shutting off intermittently in the building.

The electrician is figuring out stuff in the basement when he finds some foul goo and the electrical box. The storage guy goes upstairs. He later comes down to talk to the electrician, who is sitting on the stairs with his back to the door. The storage guy grabs him and the electrician turns around. He has a huge gaping wound in the chest, a bunch of deep slashes. They’ve done some very good prosthetics and special effects on his body. It looks great, it looks like a very realistic sucking chest wound. An alien creature lunges out of the dark at the bottom of the stairwell at storage guy, who, not being an idiot, turns and runs. I like the alien too. He has an awesome gross mouth. Its mouth is sideways with these pincer teeth things running down the sides and another mouth inside with needle teeth. Cool. Storage guy runs upstairs and hides.

Charlie and Mark decide to leave, but they can’t because of the gates. Nikki is using a gross bathroom (well, I have seen the worst bathroom in the Western world and sadly it was in a great burger place) when Chris wanders off. He goes into this storage locker and finds the storage guy hiding there (never did learn his name). He’s freaking out about ‘it’ when a reptilian looking hand with really long fingers and talons reaches down from the ceiling and pulls storage guy up, head first. Now Chris is the one freaking out and going catatonic.

In a horrible confrontation, Shelley finally reveals why she dumped Charlie. She felt nothing around him. He didn’t excite her. OUCH. Yeow, can you be more devastating? Wait, yes, she fucking can. Because when she runs off, Mark offers to go after her while Charlie waits in the storage locker. Turns out Mark and Shelley have had a thing going on for a while. That’s the big reason why she’s breaking up with Charlie. Cow.

Anyways, Nikki, back in the locker, and Charlie hear something and go running to find Mark and Shelley, who are caught and it’s pretty obvious what they were doing. Charlie punches the deserving Mark and storms off, with Nikki rushing after him. She didn’t know either. They find the catatonic Chris covered in blood and Charlie finds the storage guy’s body up in the ceiling. Nikki runs out to throw up in the hallway. Mark and Shelley go into the locker and this crazy guy in a robe attacks Nikki with a toothbrush. Shelley knocks him out and they tie him up, thinking he’s a serial killer.

They hear some weird noises and shut the locker door. Something smashes into it. The door opens and there’s nothing there, but Chris can’t take it and runs off. The alien chases him. We see it fully, some kind of insect/reptile thing. Really, I quite like it. It cheerily pulls out Chris’s heart and squishes it.

The surviving gang release robe guy, who it turns out is hiding in the storage building from his wife. They go to his storage unit/hideaway and are chased there by the alien. They manage to get inside. Then, they decide to try to get outside out the building. Charlie remembers the electrician had some kind of device to open the gate, and that he’s probably in the basement. So, an uneasy truce between Charlie and Mark develops and the guys go to other lockers via the air ducts looking for weapons to get them out of there. Those flimsy storage locker doors can’t hold forever.

It really wasn’t too bad the second time around. Mark reveals himself to be a full out dick while he had been the sort sympathetic buddy guy at the start, and Charlie turns into the strong badass while he’d been a whiny little bitch at the start. I really like the alien, and its murderous rampage. It actually rips somebody’s jaw right off their face. I really really like the scenes with the dog toy. It’s one of those ones that barks and does back flips. I had no idea it could be converted into a rocket launcher thing. Woot for whoever came up with the idea to tie fireworks to the dog toy.

A not too bad way to waste an hour and a half. Also, I love you, Noel Clarke. You are the fucking man.

3 lemon tarts out of 5.

Resident Evil Retribution

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Resident Evil Retribution

You two made it… I thought I was the only one that survived. What is this place and why is everything in Russian? And what’s with the S&M getup?

What a load of crap. Seriously, LOAD OF SHIT. I thought the first 2 Resident Evils were pretty good, but when she got supertelekineticpsychic powers in the 3rd one, I just thought what the fuck? And they all sort of went downhill from there. Admittedly, Milla Jovovich still kicks serious ass as Alice, but the whole damn thing just make no sense.

We start out with Alice in water. But, it’s all rewinding, so she floats up and yes, it looks kind of cool when she comes out of the water but it goes on way too long. After the first minute I started to wonder if there was something wrong with the movie, rewinds shouldn’t go on this long. It went on for 4 damn minutes. I really was thinking maybe I should rewind the rewind so I could see watch it normally. Anyways, it takes off where the last movie ended, with Umbrella attacking the ship of survivors. Alice gets blasted into the water.

Suddenly it switches to cookie cutter suburbia. Alice is a housewife with a husband (the always sexy sexy Oded Fehr) with a deaf daughter, Becky. The little family is getting ready for the day when zombies bust in and kill the husband. Alice-Wife gets Becky outside and they are picked up by Rain (the also ass kicking Michelle Rodriguez). The car gets into an accident and Alice-Wife and Becky leave the apparently dead Rain in the car and run into a house. There, Alice-Wife hides Becky in a closet and uses herself as bait to draw the zombies off of Becky’s scent. It works until hubby-zombie shows up and kills Alice-Wife with the always cool mouth splity tentacle thing.

Alice wakes up in a round room. She is wearing just a front and back paper towel thing. Eye candy for the guys, I suppose. Milla is still absolutely gorgeous. Anyways, the floor lights up and so do the walls. She’s on top of a enormous Umbrella logo. Okay, guys, you are the ONLY corporation left on Earth. You don’t need to brand everything, we already know you’re the only game in town. Alice’s former ally, Jill Valentine, is now under Umbrella control due to this red glowing spider stuck on her chest. She does some sound torture on Alice, trying to figure out if she’s working for another corporation or group.

Some mysterious person hacks into the Umbrella base computer. Everything gets shut down, Alice gets some new duds and escapes into a lighted corridor. Jill and the other Umbrellaites all seem to be hooked up to the computer because they just kind of sit there, apparently asleep. Computer reboots, the Umbrella team wakes up and the hall does that laser cutting beam like we saw in the first movie. Alice escapes through another door. It looks like she’s outside in Tokyo. She breaks into a police car with a really heavy duty chain and bike lock and takes a gun. We see the classic Resident Evil scene where it shows the outline of the buildings and a computer command executed. In this case, it was something about a ‘Tokyo simulation.’ Suddenly it starts raining and people appear out of nowhere. It’s a recreation of the scene in the 4th movie when the Tokyo outbreak begins, with the young girl and the man with the umbrella. I thought it was a hologram at first, but then the zombies started attacking people and coming after Alice. She kills some and escapes back into the lighted corridor, but they follow her. She kills them all but sees a huge zombiefied crowd coming out of the Tokyo simulation towards her and she go through another door. It’s the command centre for the complex. Everyone has been executed, head shots. Alice grabs a knife and some weapons. She’s ‘attacked’ by some chick in a red ball gown, Ada. Turns out Albert Wesker survived the 4th movie and the Red Queen is in charge of Umbrella now and she wants to destroy humanity. I don’t know why, the virus was doing a good job already, don’t really need to do anything but sit back. Anyways, Wesker wants Alice to escape alive so that she can help him save what’s left of humanity. Ada reveals that the compound is underwater in some Russian sea and also covered with an ice sheet. There is also a strike team heading their way to rendezvous and help them get out, but the Red Queen is trying to kill them all.

The compound was used to test viral weapons and it composed of a series of large, interconnected spaces that simulate major population centres, i.e. Moscow, Tokyo, New York and… Suburban America. Alice and Ada are supposed to meet the strike team in Suburban America. There’s a forgettable fight scene in New York simulation (the girls fight those giant zombies with the hammers) before they make it to Suburban America, but the strike team’s late. They’re stuck in Moscow fighting off a horde of Nazi (I think they’re Nazis anyways) zombies that have a lot of heavy guns. They also encounter a large mutant brain monster zombie (it has an exposed brain). I do like the monster. It’s oozy and roars and I can see its fucking brain!!!!!!!!!!! Also, I don’t think it has eyes.

Something very interesting happens to the girls while in Suburbia. Alice notices someone moving in a house… Looking very much like the house Alice-Wife hid her daughter in. When they go in, Alice sees the dead Alice-Wife on the floor. Ada informs Alice that Umbrella has about 25 standard issue clones and the Alice form is one of them. The clones are imprinted with basic memories to ensure they act and react to situations realistically. I always wondered how Umbrella could have so many goons in a zombiefied world, but this was the one reason to watch the movie: to get that explanation. Anyways, of course Alice-Wife’s daughter Becky is alive in the house and she thinks Alice is her mom. So for some reason Alice gets all maternal and needs to take Becky along.

Yeah and more crap happens. For some reason, the strike team doesn’t tell Alice that they’ve rigged a bomb at the compound entrance so they better get their asses out. Blah blah, Red Queen trying to stop them, brain monster runs amok, etc etc. I got bored.

Nope, didn’t enjoy it. Had some moments, but that didn’t make up much of a cohesive whole. Also, the actors were awful. Ada looked like some kind of doll. Her facial expressions were nil and she spoke in some kind of robotic monotone. Also, who the fuck wears a ball gown to an underwater zombie testing facility??? She also kept doing that Angelina Jolie leg pose. The lead of the strike team was also equally wooden. I swear he was made of cardboard or plywood. Familiar faces show up, indicating they were part of Umbrella’s standard issue clones, but the ‘good’ clones and ‘bad’ clones never meet. I thought that would have been very interesting, sort of maybe start a war between the clones and the Umbrella corp. Like you see your dead body on the ground and realize your life is a lie, you’re an expendable clone so you have this whole existential crisis and rebel against your creator. But, I suppose that would have been too deep.

It ends with a set up for a sequel. I did like seeing the mutant bat people flying around.

Don’t waste your time with this one. Go and watch the first one again instead.

1 slice of brownie ice cream cake out of 5.

Cockneys VS Zombies

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Cockneys VS Zombies

I’m going to ram that fucking clipboard so far up your arse, you’re going to have to shove your pen up your nose to write on it.
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I’ve got tits, you tit!
Well… In all fairness, they’re not that big, so you should be alright…

WOW WOW WOW WOW!!!! I can’t get over how utterly AWESOME AND AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND EXQUISITE THIS FILM IS!! It needs, no, DEMANDS, DESERVES a wide release. A beautiful zomedy. This pithy review will not do it justice; you must see it… in the flesh!

2 construction workers at a work site in East London find a tomb sealed by the express order of Charles II. They open it, hoping to find treasure. They find a very decayed, juicy zombie who takes a bite out of them. One of them gets his lip and chin ripped right off. Fucking gore awesome.

Terry and Andy are brothers in East London. They spend their days doing nothing and delivering Meals on Wheels to their grandfather (Holy shit, Alan Ford, I want to be you when I’m old. Or even now. You’re that awesome) in his retirement home. In a flashback, it shows what happened to their parents: in a last heartwarming speech, they extolled the young boys to always look out for each other and that family comes first. Then the parents had to ‘pop out for a minute,’ got out their shotguns and ran out the front door screaming curses at the cops. They were bank robbers and died in a shoot out with the cops. To the brothers, family always comes first.

Sadly, the retirement home is being bought out by a developer and will be turned into condos. Granddad has lived in East London all his life (except when he was 15, lied about his age, and went off bayoneting Nazis in WWII. A wonderful, wonderful and sadly short scene. I would love to see Granddad’s adventures in WWII). The brothers don’t want him to spend the rest his life elsewhere. They conceive the idea to rob a bank and buy the retirement home. I suppose the irony of their parents dying after a bank robbery missed them. Not the best role models for their current situation. They bring along their cousin, Katy, a master locksmith, their buddy Davey and a local nut, Mental Mickey. Mickey was in Iraq and consequently has a steel plate in his head and a very obvious brain surgery scar.  He enjoys head butting cars and general mayhem. Steals every scene he’s in. Total crazy badass. He is also the local discreet arms dealer, and the gang pick up some weapons. The weapons are purely for show, the brothers don’t want anyone getting shot. They’re not criminals, this is a onetime deal.

Granddad spends his boring days away in retirement home concerts. He sits with thinly veiled impatience during the singing. I can see his hands just clenching and unclenching. Like he wants to put someone’s throat in his fists and squeeze or give them a good punching.

The robbery isn’t terribly successful. They do end up getting more money than they wanted (hilarious mix up). The gang ends up grabbing 2 hostages and meet up with a bunch of cops outside. The gang runs back into the bank, and they strategize. When they finally come out with the hostages, it’s mayhem. Not because of them, but because the zombie plague that started at the construction site has finally reached them. Everything is on fire or smashed up and there are bodies lying around. They spot a zombie chowing down on a leg and, I really like this, realize immediately that it’s a ZOMBIE. They know what zombies are!!! None of the ‘ooo is it rabies? Are they vampires? Ghouls? Sick humans?’ Nope, just THEY ARE FUCKING ZOMBIES. They have zero problems killing the zombies. Thankfully, no moral outrage or dilemmas here!

The gang (plus hostages and bags of money) hightail it to their getaway van and go back to their hideout, a defunct warehouse. The army seals off East London in the hope of checking the spread of the zombies.

Meanwhile, Granddad and HIS gang of pensioners are trapped in the kitchen of their retirement house. Granddad knew they were zombies right away too. He killed a zombie, and managed to get a few of his friends into the kitchen and barricade it off before the zombies could get to them. Being feisty and crazy, they decide to rescue one of their friends who had been napping in the garden. They alert him to the zombie threat and he tries to book it back to the kitchen. Thus begins the slowest race in history. I love the fast paced music and the cutting back and forth between the zombies chasing the napper and his race to the back door of the residence. It made your pulse race and you were beginning to really worry until the camera pans back and you see how slow this horde is moving. There are zombies and a retiree using a walker. Not going that fast. Armed with meat tenderizers, a hand mixer and some boxes of cereal, the old gang goes and gets their friend. They’re all stuck together in the kitchen and wonder: now what the fuck?

Back at the warehouse, the crazed Mickey gets bit. He was the most awesome character, and I thought he would totally go the distance, but he’s completely nuts. He also drop kicks a zombie toddler. A zombie bit Mickey and Katy blasts its head off but the jaw is still attached to Mickey’s arm. So gory awesome. I’ve never seen that before. Loved it! Mickey tries to kill a zombie by first twisting its head around, its head now facing backwards. Then, since that didn’t kill it, he RETWISTS the zombie’s head around. Still not dead! So Mickey just goes fuck it, and rips the zombie’s head off. The brothers and Katy decide to go get Granddad. But first, they need to deal with the rapidly deteriorating Mickey and his arsenal.

Fucking love it!! Love it!!! Everyone is just wonderful in this, Alan Ford especially. I know he plays the same characters over and over, but he just does it so well! He’s totally the real star. And that last scene! SPOILER: I was so so worried for him. I thought NOOOO how could a horde take him down!?! But he came through, gun a blazing, showing that he doesn’t need young blood to save him. I love the pure joy you see on the faces of the seniors when they are shooting their automatic weapons. They already know what they’re doing. A zombie bites one of the seniors in the leg, but it’s the wrong leg. The senior then removes his wooden leg and calmly beats the zombie to death with it. Oh, yes, it’s so very sad to have to shoot that young nurse you once fancied, but no time for sadness! Besides, she’s not so fancible now.

On their way to get Granddad, the gangs run into a brawl between two groups who support rivals football teams. Yeah, the fans are all zombies now, but allegiance doesn’t end with death.

Of course, the steel plated head of Mickey the Zombie causes issues. Who didn’t see THAT coming? But it was thoroughly inventive how they finally killed him. I never would have thought of that. I thought they were going to decapitate him with a shovel, but the grenade in the mouth works so much better.

I don’t know why this movie doesn’t have a wide release yet. This just screams cult classic all over it. And really, where else could a zombie apocalypse be so thoroughly checked? After all, as Granddad say, it’s East London, they’ve been through a lot and these zombies are nothing. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HIS EAST LONDON!!!!

Every single chocolate mint truffle that has existed and ever will.

The Revenant

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The Revenant

I can’t go through eternity talking with a fucking dildo on my throat!!

This is like a buddy zombie horror comedy. And you know what, it just didn’t interest me. It felt like a mess even though there were some good bits. I got bored.

Bart’s an American soldier. He gets killed in an ambush in Iraq and his body is shipped home for his funeral. His best buddy, Joey, makes the moves on Bart’s girlfriend, Janet, after the funeral. Janet muses that nothing could possibly get worse and she starts making out in earnest with the rather greasy and skeevy looking Joey. Of course, as she says that, Bart breaks out of his coffin.

I applaud the movie people for their commitment to realism. Bart’s mouth has been sewn shut as it would be on any corpse and he can only make muffled screams. Which he does. A LOT, as anyone who just woke up in a coffin with their mouth sewn shut would do. In a very cringe worthy moment (seriously, I checked my mouth), Bart cuts out the sutures in his mouth.

He then makes his way to Joey’s place. Joey’s not sure if he’s hallucinating or not, but seems to take it in stride. Bart attempts to eat but ruins the rug by vomiting black gunk. Joey takes him to the hospital, but the ER doctor calls the cops. The two guys run. Bart passes out suddenly. Joey calls over a mutual friend, Matilda, who happens to be a nurse and some kind of New Age guru thing. She says Bart’s a vampire and that his head should be cut off and a stake driven through his heart. Joey refuses, Bart’s his best bud after all. Matilda leaves, promising not to tell anybody and warning joey that Bart will need human blood to live. When the sun goes down, Bart wakes up. He tries to eat again, but the same black gunk issue happens. Honestly, the breakfast Joey made would have made me nauseous too. Joey had researched on the Internet what Bart could be, and he’s either a vampire or zombie. Either way, he needs blood to live.

So Bart decides this is his second chance at life and he and Joey go and get drunk and high.  A lot. They just kinda drive around and drink and smoke. They rob a blood bank staffed by Scientologists. Every morning, Bart passes out and Joey has to carry him back home. They’re refuelling their booze at a liquor store when a gangbanger tries to rob them. The guy shoots Bart, who doesn’t die. Joey hits the gangbanger over the head and the boys load him into the car, where Bart feeds off of him. He feels really good afterwards. They toss the gangbanger’s body into the river and take off. Another night, when they’re in a liquor store, someone tries to rob it. Bart kills the robber and feeds off of him. The two become known as vigilantes. There’s a montage of them killing gangbangers, thieves and rapists. The rescued victims are always grateful until Bart brushes off their gratitude and sticks his face in puddles of blood to suck. Then they just get grossed out. The two guys amass a lot of guns, cash and drugs taken from the bodies of the criminals they kill. Sometimes they toss the bodies of the criminals whole into the river, sometimes they cut them up first.

Eventually, Matilda tells Janet. She comes over to see Bart and they are both happy to be together again… With Joey keeping quiet about a certain night of wild animal sex. Janet calls Bart a lot, just to hear his voice.

Joey wants to be invincible too and asks Bart to make him a zombie/vampire/revenant/whatever. Bart refuses until Joey is shot multiple times in a rescue gone wrong. Bart then gives Joey the ‘Dark Kiss’ and the two go on a vigilante rampage throughout the city. It made me think a bit of Boondock Saints. But people are noticing, Joey’s not exactly a model of goodness and the boys have been sloppy with what they do with their meals.

Eh. It had some great parts. I don’t know why, it just felt disjointed and I really couldn’t get into it. The guys are great actors, and that Joey is one heck of a greasy weasel rat.  I felt that the story just wasn’t cutting it. It felt like there was something missing. Some kind of cohesion. It was very long, but I can’t think of anything to cut out. I think I lost interest when they became vigilantes. That could have been a separate movie in itself and it might have started too late in the movie. I think they lost me when the first part of the movie, a buddy horror comedy, became a vigilante gun action movie that also tossed in some questions about ethics. One or the other, people, please.

2 Black Forest cupcakes out of 5.