Tag Archives: Horror

The Colony

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The Colony

You know you’re screwed when even the rabbits won’t fuck.

Interesting premise, lame movie. It pissed me off, everyone was just so stupid! I’m going to ruin the whole damn thing because it made me angry.

It starts off with a couple running down a corridor being chased. Then cuts to lots of snow and ice shots until we get to ‘our’ colony. Young guy Sam is fixing some satellite. Trucker looking guy, Mason (Bill Paxton, you’ve fallen!), and anonymous guy take out old guy into snow. Old guy is sick, something about ‘quarantine’ and he wants to ‘walk.’ Mason says no, no more choices. Sam tries to stop him from shooting the old man. I guess when you get sick, you get the choice of a bullet or you can take a long walk into the snow. Old man tries to bolt, but Mason shoots him. Waste of bullets. Shouldn’t you be trying to conserve them?

As Sam go through the colony building, you see it’s some kind of seed depository, like the global seed vault in Norway. They have bees and veggies and the whole shebang. They’re gold. So, Sam complains to Briggs (Laurence Fishburne, why why are you in this?) about Mason not giving old guy the ‘choice.’

It takes a while, but it’s eventually explained that humans were using giant machines to manipulate the weather. Something went wrong and it just never stopped snowing. What’s left of humanity is hunkered down in random places all over the world.

Radio guy (never caught his name) tells Briggs that Colony 5 sent out a distress signal. Briggs decides they have to investigate. Sam is checking out the animals in the animal room (they’re living large, have rabbits and chickens!), and goes to get them some vitamins or something from the place where they keep seeds and drugs (I think. I’m a little confused on that. They seem to have multiple seed vaults). Sam is flirting with some girl, Kai, there. She’s apparently been searching on her laptop for a hopefully warm place, where there is sun and blue skies and all that crap. This colony has a hookup to a weather satellite, so she’s been searching haphazardly through the world, looking for a heat bloom.

Briggs calls a meeting and asks for volunteers to go to Colony 5. He gets Sam and some teenager. Briggs decides to leave Kai in charge, which pisses Mason off. I think. He just seems vaguely annoyed at why is he in the movie in the first place. Although, he may be wondering why the leader of the colony is taking off on a rescue mission that should be delegated to someone else. A woman at the meeting suddenly start coughing and everyone freaks out and shoves her and her husband into quarantine. Briggs warns Mason to leave them in there until he gets back. Mason has itchy trigger fingers.

The trio (Briggs, Sam and teenager) make their way through snow and stuff to the other colony. They cross a dangerous bridge that’s falling apart, so that’s obviously important.

When they get to the entrance of Colony 5, there’s blood everywhere. Smart teenager thinks that maybe, just MAYBE, they should leave, but Briggs insists that they ‘came to help’ so he makes them all go down the tunnel. Nice.

There’s mysterious screaming and banging. They come to a door that’s closed and locked, but beat up with scratches. Sam picks the lock and they go into a room with a single man. He’s gone kinda nuts, freaking out about ‘them.’ He reveals that Colony 5 received a slightly garbled video transmission from an unknown location. They claimed to have fixed a weather machine and have blue skies, heat, and usable topsoil. However, they have no seeds to plant in the soil. OMG the colony does! Anyways, the transmission broke up before the full coordinates could be given, but Colony 5 triangulated where it could have come from and sent a scouting party. They didn’t find the paradise, but a bunch of ’them’ found the scouts and followed them back to the colony.

Briggs and Sam are ecstatic. They write down what’s left of the coordinates and nutty man shows them the approximate location which is slightly off of the map. But they have the weather satellite hookup at their colony, so as long as they know the possible location, they can find the exact place by looking in that area for a heat bloom.

The nutty man claims he wasn’t knocking or screaming, so that means ‘they’ are still here. The trio tries to take him with them, but he pushes them out and locks the door. For some damn reason, they follow the screams and find what’s left of the people. They’re being eaten by cannibals. Rather than, oh, I don’t know, stealthily peek around a corner or just send one person, they all go lumbering in to the cannibal kitchen and, of course, wake up the cannibals. Teenager gets killed and Sam and Briggs escape. They bring down the entrance tunnel with some dynamite and take off back to their colony.

SPOILERS

So usually I’d end it here, but the idiocy keeps going. Teenager had the only radio, so they can’t call back and say ‘oops, pissed off a bunch of murderous cannibals.’ They’re not covering their tracks, so the cannibals easily follow them… to the bridge!

Briggs blows himself and the bridge up. To be fair, he tried. He lit the dynamite on fire and scurried off with Sam, but the wind blew out the fuse. So he had to go back and sacrifice himself heroically.

Sam makes it back, turns out Mason has taken over from Kai. Mason doesn’t believe the whole paradise or cannibal thing. Sam finds the heat bloom using the satellite and shows Kai. They grab about 3 canisters of seeds and decide to book it. 3 canisters. Just 3. I don’t think he even saw what canisters he was grabbing. Hell, he might have grabbed 3 canisters of dandelions or grass! Or catnip! And just ignore the bees and the other things you’re going to need for successful crops. Genetic and crop diversity for example.

They try to run, Mason stops them, the cannibals arrive, blah blah. From what I saw, a lot of the people lock themselves in the various seed vaults and Mason manages to blow up the cannibals. Sam kills the head cannibal, awesomely I’ll admit, by cutting his head through the jaw with an herb cutter. There might be a couple of loose cannibals, but it looks like most of them died. But instead of stopping to repair the colony and maybe grabbing the people in the vaults, Sam thinks it’s a great idea to just FUCKING WALK OUT OF THERE WITH THE 3 CANISTERS AND 7 PEOPLE. They have no gear, they’re not even dressed for the weather. Everything they need is still intact in the colony, but nooo let’s just take off unprepared instead. So you choose death then?

Why didn’t they just repair the colony? The bees! The bees! The genetic diversity! The animals! A couple of seed canisters is not going to cut it. They could have repaired the colony, sent out a scouting party to the exact location (that they know from satellite images), come back with extra people to move everything to the new place. Instead, they leave their friends in the seed vaults, the animals, insects and plants to freeze to death and the seed vaults to just kind of freeze. Oh, and Sam and Co. probably die about 3 hours after the movie ends from exposure, starvation or dehydration. Or maybe they turn into cannibals, I don’t know.

1 candy corn out of 5.

Storage 24

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Storage 24

Look at you… You’re vicious aren’t you? Nothing but vicious… You know, you’re just like my wife.

Storage 24 is a British horrorish/sci fi movie. I was in a pretty pissed off mood when I watched it the first time, so I had to watch it again. It was better the second time around, but nothing I would have watched again.

A plane has crashed/released its cargo into London. The accident has been wreaking havoc with London’s electricity grids. There’s also lots of black SUV type cars driving around in a seeming panic. The storage building of the movie title, Storage 24, has been having problems with its lockdown security system all day. The gates come down and lock the wealthy female half of an obnoxious rich couple inside with the storage guy. The male half of the couple stares at his fancy car, now busted up by a plane engine (Okay, I’m not sure what it is, the jet engine? The part that can suck people in and kill them anyways. I’m too lazy to look it up. You know what I mean).

A woman is walking her dog and sees a bunch of the black cars go busting after something. Her dog, freaking out, gets away from her and runs into a warehouse yard. The woman runs after her dog and sees some kind of busted up metal box amid flaming wreckage. The box has horrible smelling goo on it, and she and her dog are killed by something off screen.

Meanwhile, Charlie (the great Noel Clarke), is stuck in traffic with his best friend, Mark. Charlie is moaning about his recent breakup. He’s on his way to the storage unit he shared with his ex-girlfriend to get his stuff. Mark tries to get Charlie to maybe notice that things are falling from the sky and everyone’s panicking just a bit, but Charlie’s too preoccupied with wondering where things went wrong.

They get to Storage 24. Charlie, seeing his ex’s car, laments about he bought that car for them to use, it’s ‘their’ car, what went wrong, bitch bitch bitch, whine, pathetic, etc. He freaks out when he sees a man’s jacket in the car and rips off one of the windshield wipers before Mark pulls him off. Luckily for us, the viewers, an electrician has managed to override the gate controls and the annoying female half of the rich couple leaves. If she had been in the movie any longer, her whining would have made me turn off the movie. The two guys and the electrician go into the storage building. Unfortunately, another surge causes the gates to close after them. The electrician and the storage guy go to the basement to find the power box.

Charlie and Mark get to the storage locker, only to find Charlie’s ex, Shelley, her best friend Nikki and Nikki’s boyfriend (I think) Chris already there cleaning it out. The power is shutting off intermittently in the building.

The electrician is figuring out stuff in the basement when he finds some foul goo and the electrical box. The storage guy goes upstairs. He later comes down to talk to the electrician, who is sitting on the stairs with his back to the door. The storage guy grabs him and the electrician turns around. He has a huge gaping wound in the chest, a bunch of deep slashes. They’ve done some very good prosthetics and special effects on his body. It looks great, it looks like a very realistic sucking chest wound. An alien creature lunges out of the dark at the bottom of the stairwell at storage guy, who, not being an idiot, turns and runs. I like the alien too. He has an awesome gross mouth. Its mouth is sideways with these pincer teeth things running down the sides and another mouth inside with needle teeth. Cool. Storage guy runs upstairs and hides.

Charlie and Mark decide to leave, but they can’t because of the gates. Nikki is using a gross bathroom (well, I have seen the worst bathroom in the Western world and sadly it was in a great burger place) when Chris wanders off. He goes into this storage locker and finds the storage guy hiding there (never did learn his name). He’s freaking out about ‘it’ when a reptilian looking hand with really long fingers and talons reaches down from the ceiling and pulls storage guy up, head first. Now Chris is the one freaking out and going catatonic.

In a horrible confrontation, Shelley finally reveals why she dumped Charlie. She felt nothing around him. He didn’t excite her. OUCH. Yeow, can you be more devastating? Wait, yes, she fucking can. Because when she runs off, Mark offers to go after her while Charlie waits in the storage locker. Turns out Mark and Shelley have had a thing going on for a while. That’s the big reason why she’s breaking up with Charlie. Cow.

Anyways, Nikki, back in the locker, and Charlie hear something and go running to find Mark and Shelley, who are caught and it’s pretty obvious what they were doing. Charlie punches the deserving Mark and storms off, with Nikki rushing after him. She didn’t know either. They find the catatonic Chris covered in blood and Charlie finds the storage guy’s body up in the ceiling. Nikki runs out to throw up in the hallway. Mark and Shelley go into the locker and this crazy guy in a robe attacks Nikki with a toothbrush. Shelley knocks him out and they tie him up, thinking he’s a serial killer.

They hear some weird noises and shut the locker door. Something smashes into it. The door opens and there’s nothing there, but Chris can’t take it and runs off. The alien chases him. We see it fully, some kind of insect/reptile thing. Really, I quite like it. It cheerily pulls out Chris’s heart and squishes it.

The surviving gang release robe guy, who it turns out is hiding in the storage building from his wife. They go to his storage unit/hideaway and are chased there by the alien. They manage to get inside. Then, they decide to try to get outside out the building. Charlie remembers the electrician had some kind of device to open the gate, and that he’s probably in the basement. So, an uneasy truce between Charlie and Mark develops and the guys go to other lockers via the air ducts looking for weapons to get them out of there. Those flimsy storage locker doors can’t hold forever.

It really wasn’t too bad the second time around. Mark reveals himself to be a full out dick while he had been the sort sympathetic buddy guy at the start, and Charlie turns into the strong badass while he’d been a whiny little bitch at the start. I really like the alien, and its murderous rampage. It actually rips somebody’s jaw right off their face. I really really like the scenes with the dog toy. It’s one of those ones that barks and does back flips. I had no idea it could be converted into a rocket launcher thing. Woot for whoever came up with the idea to tie fireworks to the dog toy.

A not too bad way to waste an hour and a half. Also, I love you, Noel Clarke. You are the fucking man.

3 lemon tarts out of 5.

Cockneys VS Zombies

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Cockneys VS Zombies

I’m going to ram that fucking clipboard so far up your arse, you’re going to have to shove your pen up your nose to write on it.
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I’ve got tits, you tit!
Well… In all fairness, they’re not that big, so you should be alright…

WOW WOW WOW WOW!!!! I can’t get over how utterly AWESOME AND AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND EXQUISITE THIS FILM IS!! It needs, no, DEMANDS, DESERVES a wide release. A beautiful zomedy. This pithy review will not do it justice; you must see it… in the flesh!

2 construction workers at a work site in East London find a tomb sealed by the express order of Charles II. They open it, hoping to find treasure. They find a very decayed, juicy zombie who takes a bite out of them. One of them gets his lip and chin ripped right off. Fucking gore awesome.

Terry and Andy are brothers in East London. They spend their days doing nothing and delivering Meals on Wheels to their grandfather (Holy shit, Alan Ford, I want to be you when I’m old. Or even now. You’re that awesome) in his retirement home. In a flashback, it shows what happened to their parents: in a last heartwarming speech, they extolled the young boys to always look out for each other and that family comes first. Then the parents had to ‘pop out for a minute,’ got out their shotguns and ran out the front door screaming curses at the cops. They were bank robbers and died in a shoot out with the cops. To the brothers, family always comes first.

Sadly, the retirement home is being bought out by a developer and will be turned into condos. Granddad has lived in East London all his life (except when he was 15, lied about his age, and went off bayoneting Nazis in WWII. A wonderful, wonderful and sadly short scene. I would love to see Granddad’s adventures in WWII). The brothers don’t want him to spend the rest his life elsewhere. They conceive the idea to rob a bank and buy the retirement home. I suppose the irony of their parents dying after a bank robbery missed them. Not the best role models for their current situation. They bring along their cousin, Katy, a master locksmith, their buddy Davey and a local nut, Mental Mickey. Mickey was in Iraq and consequently has a steel plate in his head and a very obvious brain surgery scar.  He enjoys head butting cars and general mayhem. Steals every scene he’s in. Total crazy badass. He is also the local discreet arms dealer, and the gang pick up some weapons. The weapons are purely for show, the brothers don’t want anyone getting shot. They’re not criminals, this is a onetime deal.

Granddad spends his boring days away in retirement home concerts. He sits with thinly veiled impatience during the singing. I can see his hands just clenching and unclenching. Like he wants to put someone’s throat in his fists and squeeze or give them a good punching.

The robbery isn’t terribly successful. They do end up getting more money than they wanted (hilarious mix up). The gang ends up grabbing 2 hostages and meet up with a bunch of cops outside. The gang runs back into the bank, and they strategize. When they finally come out with the hostages, it’s mayhem. Not because of them, but because the zombie plague that started at the construction site has finally reached them. Everything is on fire or smashed up and there are bodies lying around. They spot a zombie chowing down on a leg and, I really like this, realize immediately that it’s a ZOMBIE. They know what zombies are!!! None of the ‘ooo is it rabies? Are they vampires? Ghouls? Sick humans?’ Nope, just THEY ARE FUCKING ZOMBIES. They have zero problems killing the zombies. Thankfully, no moral outrage or dilemmas here!

The gang (plus hostages and bags of money) hightail it to their getaway van and go back to their hideout, a defunct warehouse. The army seals off East London in the hope of checking the spread of the zombies.

Meanwhile, Granddad and HIS gang of pensioners are trapped in the kitchen of their retirement house. Granddad knew they were zombies right away too. He killed a zombie, and managed to get a few of his friends into the kitchen and barricade it off before the zombies could get to them. Being feisty and crazy, they decide to rescue one of their friends who had been napping in the garden. They alert him to the zombie threat and he tries to book it back to the kitchen. Thus begins the slowest race in history. I love the fast paced music and the cutting back and forth between the zombies chasing the napper and his race to the back door of the residence. It made your pulse race and you were beginning to really worry until the camera pans back and you see how slow this horde is moving. There are zombies and a retiree using a walker. Not going that fast. Armed with meat tenderizers, a hand mixer and some boxes of cereal, the old gang goes and gets their friend. They’re all stuck together in the kitchen and wonder: now what the fuck?

Back at the warehouse, the crazed Mickey gets bit. He was the most awesome character, and I thought he would totally go the distance, but he’s completely nuts. He also drop kicks a zombie toddler. A zombie bit Mickey and Katy blasts its head off but the jaw is still attached to Mickey’s arm. So gory awesome. I’ve never seen that before. Loved it! Mickey tries to kill a zombie by first twisting its head around, its head now facing backwards. Then, since that didn’t kill it, he RETWISTS the zombie’s head around. Still not dead! So Mickey just goes fuck it, and rips the zombie’s head off. The brothers and Katy decide to go get Granddad. But first, they need to deal with the rapidly deteriorating Mickey and his arsenal.

Fucking love it!! Love it!!! Everyone is just wonderful in this, Alan Ford especially. I know he plays the same characters over and over, but he just does it so well! He’s totally the real star. And that last scene! SPOILER: I was so so worried for him. I thought NOOOO how could a horde take him down!?! But he came through, gun a blazing, showing that he doesn’t need young blood to save him. I love the pure joy you see on the faces of the seniors when they are shooting their automatic weapons. They already know what they’re doing. A zombie bites one of the seniors in the leg, but it’s the wrong leg. The senior then removes his wooden leg and calmly beats the zombie to death with it. Oh, yes, it’s so very sad to have to shoot that young nurse you once fancied, but no time for sadness! Besides, she’s not so fancible now.

On their way to get Granddad, the gangs run into a brawl between two groups who support rivals football teams. Yeah, the fans are all zombies now, but allegiance doesn’t end with death.

Of course, the steel plated head of Mickey the Zombie causes issues. Who didn’t see THAT coming? But it was thoroughly inventive how they finally killed him. I never would have thought of that. I thought they were going to decapitate him with a shovel, but the grenade in the mouth works so much better.

I don’t know why this movie doesn’t have a wide release yet. This just screams cult classic all over it. And really, where else could a zombie apocalypse be so thoroughly checked? After all, as Granddad say, it’s East London, they’ve been through a lot and these zombies are nothing. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HIS EAST LONDON!!!!

Every single chocolate mint truffle that has existed and ever will.

The Revenant

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The Revenant

I can’t go through eternity talking with a fucking dildo on my throat!!

This is like a buddy zombie horror comedy. And you know what, it just didn’t interest me. It felt like a mess even though there were some good bits. I got bored.

Bart’s an American soldier. He gets killed in an ambush in Iraq and his body is shipped home for his funeral. His best buddy, Joey, makes the moves on Bart’s girlfriend, Janet, after the funeral. Janet muses that nothing could possibly get worse and she starts making out in earnest with the rather greasy and skeevy looking Joey. Of course, as she says that, Bart breaks out of his coffin.

I applaud the movie people for their commitment to realism. Bart’s mouth has been sewn shut as it would be on any corpse and he can only make muffled screams. Which he does. A LOT, as anyone who just woke up in a coffin with their mouth sewn shut would do. In a very cringe worthy moment (seriously, I checked my mouth), Bart cuts out the sutures in his mouth.

He then makes his way to Joey’s place. Joey’s not sure if he’s hallucinating or not, but seems to take it in stride. Bart attempts to eat but ruins the rug by vomiting black gunk. Joey takes him to the hospital, but the ER doctor calls the cops. The two guys run. Bart passes out suddenly. Joey calls over a mutual friend, Matilda, who happens to be a nurse and some kind of New Age guru thing. She says Bart’s a vampire and that his head should be cut off and a stake driven through his heart. Joey refuses, Bart’s his best bud after all. Matilda leaves, promising not to tell anybody and warning joey that Bart will need human blood to live. When the sun goes down, Bart wakes up. He tries to eat again, but the same black gunk issue happens. Honestly, the breakfast Joey made would have made me nauseous too. Joey had researched on the Internet what Bart could be, and he’s either a vampire or zombie. Either way, he needs blood to live.

So Bart decides this is his second chance at life and he and Joey go and get drunk and high.  A lot. They just kinda drive around and drink and smoke. They rob a blood bank staffed by Scientologists. Every morning, Bart passes out and Joey has to carry him back home. They’re refuelling their booze at a liquor store when a gangbanger tries to rob them. The guy shoots Bart, who doesn’t die. Joey hits the gangbanger over the head and the boys load him into the car, where Bart feeds off of him. He feels really good afterwards. They toss the gangbanger’s body into the river and take off. Another night, when they’re in a liquor store, someone tries to rob it. Bart kills the robber and feeds off of him. The two become known as vigilantes. There’s a montage of them killing gangbangers, thieves and rapists. The rescued victims are always grateful until Bart brushes off their gratitude and sticks his face in puddles of blood to suck. Then they just get grossed out. The two guys amass a lot of guns, cash and drugs taken from the bodies of the criminals they kill. Sometimes they toss the bodies of the criminals whole into the river, sometimes they cut them up first.

Eventually, Matilda tells Janet. She comes over to see Bart and they are both happy to be together again… With Joey keeping quiet about a certain night of wild animal sex. Janet calls Bart a lot, just to hear his voice.

Joey wants to be invincible too and asks Bart to make him a zombie/vampire/revenant/whatever. Bart refuses until Joey is shot multiple times in a rescue gone wrong. Bart then gives Joey the ‘Dark Kiss’ and the two go on a vigilante rampage throughout the city. It made me think a bit of Boondock Saints. But people are noticing, Joey’s not exactly a model of goodness and the boys have been sloppy with what they do with their meals.

Eh. It had some great parts. I don’t know why, it just felt disjointed and I really couldn’t get into it. The guys are great actors, and that Joey is one heck of a greasy weasel rat.  I felt that the story just wasn’t cutting it. It felt like there was something missing. Some kind of cohesion. It was very long, but I can’t think of anything to cut out. I think I lost interest when they became vigilantes. That could have been a separate movie in itself and it might have started too late in the movie. I think they lost me when the first part of the movie, a buddy horror comedy, became a vigilante gun action movie that also tossed in some questions about ethics. One or the other, people, please.

2 Black Forest cupcakes out of 5.